Finale

I've been tempted by tumblr for some time now and I've finally made the switch. To the 3 people who follow me, my depressed/out of control thoughts are now available there. Thanks blogspot, we had a good run <3

Terrible Tuesday

After an incredible weekend with my friend from home and a decent start to my week, today has just been the ultimate low point, work wise and love-life wise. I'm not even sure love-life is the way to put it but here goes:

I hate working for the Red Robin here by school...hate hate HATE from the managers to the people. I've talked about it with my mom and I think I might look for another job. It just ..ugh, I don't know. This weekend better be good, that's all I'm saying.

In terms of my heart, I don't have a suitor but a "romantic friend", which according to texts from last night, that's a classy way to say "friends with benefits," which is fine except do I want that? It's HIS benefit when he decides to actually follow through on plans but he says one thing and then gets so affectionate with me, kissing me and running his hands through my hair. He's such an idiot.. but for the time being, I'm done thinking about it. It is what it is and he said he can't have a girlfriend so regardless of anything, he isn't thinking about that... right now at least.

Then I have an ex-boyfriend who is after me and I just don't have the patience or respect to keep how I really feel to myself. I deserve so much more and I'm sticking to that. God, I'm so tired, I'm not even thinking about what I'm writing. I didn't even do my homework, I WANT TO SLEEP. Now. Bye.

Nail spas

So, on and off since the 8th grade, I've been getting acryllic nails put on. I wear them until I'm either a) tired of paying or b) just tired of them. Still, no matter how many times I repeat that process, I still feel like a prom princess when I get them on. Today, I got my nails done again to treat myself, mostly since I can't paint my nails because of my lame ass job, so now they look pretty. But while I was getting them done, I had a lot of interesting thoughts run through my mind and my hands were too busy so I couldn't tweet about it.

For starters, I've always had trouble relaxing my fingers. They have to get all origami-like to get at my cuticles or whatever they saw away at and I always get yelled at. Then today, while the man was holding my hand, I realized that I was sort of holding his back. My fingers weren't just naturally grazing his because they were in such close proximity but it was more than that. I guess I just don't realize and it freaked me out especially when I grazed his knuckle hair, ack. Then, do you ever notice how they try and get you to get EVERYTHING? "Paint just your nails? Pedicure much better. Get rid of cuticle. Airbrush? Next time I do pink and white for you, look much better. Last longer." THEY'RE VULTURES. Of course, there is how the actual place looks that determines how your nails are going to look. If this place I go to by school wasn't recommended, I'd avoid it. They have a poster of a beach pinned behind the pedicure chairs, there is no room/curtain to get waxed but instead there is a chair right next to the dryers for eyebrows. What if I need a bikini? Do I spread eagle and she stands in front of me to block my cooter? They were playing an 80's mix including Michael Jackson and the song "Mr. Telephone Man" and on the TV was a sort of violin symphony and then Caillou! AND THEY WERE BURNING INCENSE. Is that even legal?

I will say the guy did a good job.. even though he told me short nails look ugly but I think they grew on him because he probably figured every negative word he said was a 50 cent tip reduction. I'm also LOVIN the prices, so much cheaper than the dirty. But anyway, that's all I have to contribute today, hahaha. Enjoy.

Yo Taylor, I'm really happy for u but...

I'm exhausted. Between Sunday and today, I feel like so much has gone on, nothing necessarily epic, but none the less have kept me busy. For example, Sunday I served cheeseburgers and milkshakes until around 9 and I came home just in time for the VMA's. Janet Jackson KILLED IT in the Michael Jackson video. While I watched the awards, I was editing my sister's paper for school and tweeting as much as humanly possible about the show highlights: Kanye being an asshole, Lady Gaga being a boss, Adam Brody looking so delicious, the "New Moon" trailer and Beyonce so graciously correcting Kanye's tool mistake. Despite technical difficulties and loser stars trying to steal the spotlight, cough Kanye and Lil' Mama, it was the best VMA broadcast in a long, long time. Of course, by OD'ing on the tweets, I left a lot of work for myself and didn't actually get to bed until 5:30. At one point in time I questioned whether I should even attempt sleep. Sleep eventually came for a total of 3 hours and then I was off to edit my article with my internship supervisor. This week I received an "I'm very impressed at how you were able to cover the festival but still include its history." BAM! I can't even describe the feeling I get when he says things like to me. I just feel like I've come so far with my writing and that I went from knowing nothing to being able to impress an editor of a professional publication. Ah, does wonders for my ego.

Then, of course, I had some campus newspaper business to take care of. I'm in position to judge and by no means am suggesting that I am ready to run this paper by myself but I'm skeptical of this upcoming semester. Our assistant editor-in-chief, our editor-in-chief left us for London, is questionable. He's scatter-brained and doesn't focus on everything he should. Today, I went to glance over some of our pages and two articles were a mess. One of their leads was in shambles and the other had incorrect information. He's really in to centering the titles but it looks funny especially when he's letting the titles be 3 words so the title is SUPER BIG. One of the advisors came in today to look over our work because we're under a little heat from the previous week and as he left, he gave me a sly smile because I'm sure he was thinking the same things I was. Ugh.. this semester is going to be SO...what is the word? Entertaining? Stressful? Mind-boggling? Insert any adjective along those lines here.

The last thing I'm going to write in this is TRUE BLOOD: season finale was the worst I've seen in terms of cliffhangers and there was not enough Eric in it for my viewing pleasure. Further discussions to be had at a later date. I need to grub and get to class, womp.

Just for now

I'm starting to think the more I anticipate something, the more letdown I am. Tonight, a Friday night at that, one I should be knocking back cheap beer and laughs with good people, I'm in my room. In the dark. In a gray cami & basketball shorts with what's left of my chinese-for-one takeout on my desk. Yesterday, if you asked me what I planned to do, I would have said I'd be with someone in his apartment, someone I've been trying to figure out, pretending to watch a movie with a possible invitation to sleepover. But, of course, that didn't happen. Here's a brief synopsis: last night I went for a walk with a young man whose relationship to me is questionable. When he invited me to go for the walk, I blushed. I can't remember the last time the blood rushed to my face so quickly, other than almost collapsing on the treadmill. After 3 minutes. Anyway, he invited me over and tonight after worked I was seeing what the deal was. He was "busy" and wouldn't "be too long" so if I wanted to "hang out later." It's midnight and he has practice in the morning. Every minute that goes by makes the idea of seeing each other less and less likely. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I shouldn't be sitting here, listening to Broken by Lifehouse. I'm 20 years old. I'll admit, for my age, I had an unhealthy fascination with dating sites and thinking love was just a click away. If not for nothing, I deserve something consistent. I deserve someone who makes plans and keeps them because now, I've wasted a night and I'm miserable. And I shaved my legs for nothing.

Happy days

The kind of day I had today complete negates my last two entries when it came to doubting my talent and life choices. I want to get this in before I surrender myself to rhetoric theory and other short stories.

SO. It begins with me getting up at an awful hour, 8 in the morning, after a night of no sleep. I just kept waiting and waiting for me to pass out and I feel like I never did. Of course, it didn't help someone unexpected decided to message me and play with my emotions some more but that's for another entry. Despite no sleep, I was pretty upbeat. I did some of my school newspaper duties then headed over to the Weekender to go over my article with the Editor. And I quote, "This was excellent for your first article." On the outside, I gave a no-teeth-smile and was sweating profusely because apparently when I move an inch, I get exhausted. On the inside, I was all like this: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#$%#$^&^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#!@TGFHSZDT - you get the point. He marked up the paper but minor AP styleguide errors and again, I quote "So this looks like a lot but it really isn't" and when I was leaving, "Thanks Stephanie, Great job on the story." So, again, on the inside: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I was so relieved because now I KNOW I can hack it and the best part is IT'S GOING TO BE PUBLISHED and available on their web site. AMAZEBALLS. I can't wait to see it. After my delightful meeting, I headed back to campus to finish up our first issue of The Crown. I'm excited for our "Twitter bug".. it's like Conan's Twitter Tracker. Just a little something for students to read and laugh about. I'm sure I'll change the set up as the semester progresses but I made the newspaper a twitter and I'm going to have too much fun with it. With it being such a popular social network, I think it'll be a great way to get students involved or at least take a glance at it to see what's going on. I'm thinking a facebook is next? Who knows but we'll see! Oh and I had to drop off an application for this career day I'm trying to be a part of and they wanted to know my GPA. I looked it up and I have a 3.5.. chicka chicka yeeeaaaah. After a busy morning, I was pooped and took nap only to awake an e-mail from the assistant editor at the weekender telling me I did a "great job" with the concert listings. The concert listings that took me forEVER and which I though I screwed up royally but I guess not. Filled with elation, I went to class, which was a monotone nightmare , but made it through because of my blissful nap and also the Dr. Pepper I got on our 5 minute break. To top it off, I ran into some people that lifted my spirits and melted my heart so all in all, today was bomb.

This post has a lot of exclamation points and extended letters hahaha. It's out of my system, promise.

???

It's midnight and while I should be in bed, I'm here battling with my thoughts. I can't decide what I want to blog about! >:o I was going to mention how someone's mood can be easily influenced by the weather, a song, a young boy, a friend.. (etc). Then I wanted to write about how poor I am and how much I wish that I had stacks of cash to spend mindlessly on insignificant things like $150 dollar rings and new cars. But now.. now, I'm sort of obsessing over the idea of college. I can thank Facebook for that. Since it's September, a lot of kids are returning to high school and those that have just graduated this past summer are starting their first semester as a freshman. I've looked through a few albums of some people I know and just think how my freshman year was the EXACT opposite. I was outgoing, yes, but I didn't immediately submerge myself in the college life, i.e, parties. I NEVER went out and actually just had one really good friend who I spent a majority of my year with. I don't even talk to that girl anymore. The point is.. I'm looking, or stalking however you want to put it, at these pictures and I feel like their college experience is already exceeding mine. I'm in my third year; they're in their third week. What I'm trying to say is maybe I'm not getting all I can out of MY OWN college experience. Maybe King's wasn't the right place for me.. or maybe it was. All of it falls back on me.. my choices. I chose to come here. I chose to stay in my dorm room freshman year. But does the social aspect really make or break your experience? Maybe I'm flourishing academically. Maybe if I went somewhere else, I wouldn't have gotten involved with their newspaper. Today I'm assistant editor-in-chief and a large part is because one of my best friends Sara. I would have never met her and that would have been a shame. The people I've met and learning what I want to do with my life has proven to be my most valuable experiences. Will I be able to say college was the best time of my life when I graduate? Ugh, my head starts to hurt thinking about things like this. High school and college are trying times for me.. learning about myself, who I want to be, where I want to end up, making and breaking friendships (not relationships because i repel charming, committing young men).. and although this blog is seemingly negative, I think that maybe the best, for me, is yet to come.

Beautiful Sundays

My iPod shuffle is being very good to me this afternoon: The Hush Sound, Imogen Heap, Iron & Wine, John Mayer..(etc). Some of these songs I actually forgot how much I enjoyed them. I'm sitting on my bed with the window cracked open and it's beautiful out. I wish it could be like this all year, like this pre-fall weather that includes cool afternoons and enough warmth to go without long-sleeves or jackets. If there is a place in the world like that, please tell me because I want to make plans to live there now.

Not really much to update.. my roommates have all left me for Labor Day weekend and campus is so empty. I'm actually going to leave my apartment today to help a friend find things to decorate his room. Tonight, I'm going to submit my Weekender article and I'm really nervous about it. It's my first one and I hope that when I meet with my editor, he doesn't have much he wants to correct and actually likes it. I can write an article, I know I can. I wouldn't be assistant editor in chief of the school paper for nothing but the question is can I write well? Can I hack it for a real, legitimate publication? I guess on Tuesday we'll find out. Then again, if I was incapable, would I have even been offered this internship? Oh Steph, shut up. I'm just happy to finally be focused on things that matter for a change, instead of a dumb boy. Well actually..there is a dumb boy but I'm not worried about it.

Troubled thoughts

I can't believe tomorrow is Friday. Correction: I can't believe tomorrow is Friday and the first week of classes has come and gone. With my Crown and Weekender story due, with a lot of reading that has to get done.. the calmness I experienced this week is definitely not going to last. But, it isn't that that's troubling me.

A while back I blogged about a friend of mine, or former friend, who literally just woke up one day and decided to disassociate herself with me. I did confront her a few times, she made pitiful attempts at trying to meet up, until finally she blocked me on aim and facebook. Immature, yes. Understandable, no. So tonight, my closest friend who was also friends with her, and might I add also burned, is in her apartment and without her personal invitation, this former friends winds up there. Now, I assume anyway, they're all drinking because tonight it's the former friends birthday. Is it wrong for me to be upset about this? I'm not upset with my closest friend but more so at the fact at how it was only me that was completely shut out. Lately, I've been really wondering if I should ask her what it is that I did, that after everything we'd been through together, she could just act that way? I don't in any way want to reconcile the friendship because now I see the kind of person she really is but I feel like I can stop being so bitter if I have this closure. What really gets me is that this former friend is also hanging out with a girl she swore off with a couple semesters ago. This girl who wrote an e-mail saying how much she wished bad upon my former friend and that she couldn't wait for my former friend to get her karma. I just don't understand and it's making me feel really crappy. I know I'm not a perfect person, but I'm also not a bad one. What could I have possibly done that it doesn't merit an explanation? Ugh.

I wanna do bad things with you

The first half of today was very productive. I woke up early, walked down into the square to meet for a staff meeting at the Weekender. From there, I went to my three classes and then right after, an orientation meeting for fall interns. Shortly after, I went over to the campus center and met in the Crown office (the school newspaper) to plan this week and the following week's issue. I'm not even sure some planning got done but we kicked around some ideas so I suppose it was productive?

As for the second half of my day, when I was not consuming anything within a 10 mile radius of me, I layed on my bed watching episodes of True Blood. I won't lie, for a brief moment I was concerned about bed sores. Sitting and watching hours of episodes about blood-crying and insanely good looking dead, delicious men does something to a girl. To me, it made me think of my vampire alter ego. Her name is Ivona and Ivona has long, dark, rich black hair. It's going to have the kind of curls you'd see in a black and white film starring Marlon Brando. My hair will always, ALWAYS have a shiny finish and my physical figure will resemble Megan Fox but not her hands. Her thumbs look like baby toes. I'd always be in stilettos aaaand that's as far as I got. Naturally, I would be Zac Efron's maker and he and I would live blissfully in eternal damnation. Hahahaha.

Anyway, blogging was a way to keep me from simply clicking Episode 10. I need to save something for me to do tomorrow since I have no classes. Hmm.. sleep now.

1 down

The fall semester officially began for me today at 12 in the afternoon. After that, I had two more classes and then I called it a day. I started my day off with a meeting at the Weekender, the entertainment publication I'm doing my internship at, and I'm very intimidated. He assigned me a story for next week and it's nothing too complicated but I'm very stressed at the idea of making a good impression. He told me a goal for the interns is for them to write a cover story but some just haven't had the time or the ability and I WANT that cover story. It would just be epic. But back to my classes, my first was Philosophy and that is going to be a nightmare. I've heard awful rumors about him and I got a glimpse of them for the one hour I had to spend with him. I'm just hoping I can stay afloat and not completely kill my GPA.

Apart from that, today was nothing great. The weather was cool and I got to wear my Steve Madden boots. I was loving how I looked and felt in them! And as for my love life, I'm going to say there is no one but there is definitely a crush. An old flame, no one knew and not even really a flame. An old flicker might be more appropriate but still.. I'm waiting it out. If not, I'm just going to keep on going. I've managed to stay in my happy-go-lucky mood for the most part and I'm proud of myself. Now I will return to Project Free Tv and catch up on True Blood.

Plenty of fish

.. are not on the internet. Their site should read plenty of psychos. I've literally been scared out of the site and just now deleted my profile. I am officially done with online dating. I rather be alone for all of my life with 12 cats than deal with these immature little boys who have ridiculous ideas of how a "relationship" should be. The jokes on me, really, since I entertained them and the idea of actually meeting someone decent through these stupid sites. The commercials LIE. It's false advertising, I swear. I've just gotten into the most absurd fight I will EVER get into with someone who is NOT my boyfriend, never wanted to be but fought with me until he was blue in the face to try and cover up his contradictions. This might be tolerable if he was my age but he isn't. I'm so angry and so disgusted with him and ME for not listening to my instincts and shutting this creep out sooner. It's the "I-will-ruin-your-life" kind of anger but he doesn't have much of that so there's no point. UGHhhhhFUCKBASTARDAKFH409RJFOJLDKSMLDSSAdskfjsdklfds.

Wordz

I called this words because that's all it's going to be. There's no purpose and for once, I'm not going to complain or be super emo because I'm actually good right now. For no particular reason, and even despite the fact that I've been spending large amounts of time in my room since I moved in, I'm feelin' ok. I have to keep reminding myself I'm here early and my babies aren't all back yet. I have a few lunch dates lined up, one that I'm sort of nervous to even go on but I don't feel like writing about him just yet. Actually, I have written about him but he doesn't have a nickname. I'll think about it and get back to this. But.. I'm getting excited to be back in class. I'm ready for my mind to pour over different things other than my questionable love life and family troubles. Im especially excited to start my internship. As much as I am nervous, I am anxious to finally get a taste of what it's like to write for an actual print publication, something people outside of my college community read. It's weird, having all this time because my summer, I was constantly on the go between Red Robin, summer class, and shuffling between friends and family. I think I'm just really taking the time to relax and have time to myself and let myself be optimistic about the semester to come and to forget my shortcomings and my not so graceful moments.

But other than that, yesterday I bought the soundtrack for the movie 500 days of Summer and I've never fallen in love with an inanimate object so hard as I have with this soundtrack. It's just..perfect. It's a lot of Indie artists like Regina Spektor, The Smiths, Feist, Wolfmother, and Mumm-Ra. Lately, I've been listening to a few more Indie artists like the Softpack and I have yet to be disappointed. Right now, I'm just all about changes, new things, and new hopes. I hope it lasts =)

Home sweet home (sort of)

I am officially moved in to my new apartment for my junior year of college!

That's weird, saying I'm a junior. I moved in a day early because I'm going to be an orientation assistant and help coordinate the new freshman, with moving in and events and such. When we did some ice breaker activities, they split us up by grade and listening to people in my grade say "Hi my name is..lalala..and I'm a junior," I felt SO weird. Honestly, I still feel like a freshman even though I have come such a long way since then. It's just so unreal. bUT the apartments are really nice and have a modern feel to them. Two of my roommates have just moved in and I'm anxious to see how we all get along together. My roommate from last year is with me and I'm in love with her so that'll be good. I have some more training for orientation assistant in a couple hours. It's weird, blogging so early in the day. Summer is so over :(

If you're gonna be there, be there

I've either been too busy, tired, or depressed to blog. It seems like I can't avoid being emotional about something.. whether it's not being able to order wings for dinner, my ex-boyfriend, or a song played on an acoustic guitar.. it's unavoidable. Tonight? Upset that I fooled myself into thinking you could meet an honest man with relationship potential on a site that refers to the sex your looking for as fish.

Although I have been incredibly good about my ex-boyfriend, keeping him blocked and refusing to think of him, the more and more I endure relationship mishaps, the more I'm convinced I'll never find something that compares to him, or at least the old him. Case and point? I met someone literally 3 days ago and since we've exchanged numbers and iChat. He's not Brad Pitt but there's something about him that draws me to him and makes me anxious when I don't know I'm going to talk to him next. BUT.. the fallback is he is EXTREMELY attracted to me, so much so that it's all he ever talks about, refers to, suggests as solutions to problems (etc). I see some of my ex-boyfriend in him and can't tell if it is the part that attracts me to him or if it is the part that repels me. I was so annoyed with him tonight that I didn't even want to talk. Since, he's gone to bed but here I am, awake with thoughts like this. I'm getting choked up just writing this because I'm sad. I'm really sad and I don't know how to make this hurt any less.

God, I need school. It'll give me plenty of distractions.

Daylight - Matt and Kim

I've done it. All the money I made this summer, all the aggravating hours I've spent pouring over milkshakes and bottomless fries have led me to this point: an official Macbook owner :) RIP Dell. Once I make way to the W-B for school, I'll leave it behind for my sister to play the Sims on and that's about as useful as that machine will be. It's so surreal, actually having the money to spend on this. I'm already smitten like a kitten.

Other than that, I had my last Western Civ class - good riddance Santa! I pulled off a B, maybe? I've been doing some apartment shopping (nothing like last minute) and got some kitchen supplies, a television that I opened and found that I'm missing screws?, and some school supplies. At 3 am yesterday, I was going hard on my room, finding out what things I had and or needed for school since this time next week, I'll be breaking in my new apartment bed with my new comforter :) Sigh, summer.. I'll miss you. However, I did find A LOT of loose change and a birthday check I never cashed for forty bucks..bonus! Although, this morning I couldn't find it haha TYPICAL.

Why am I even awake? My body is so ready to be on college time.

1 week

I got stiffed on a 50 dollar bill tonight.. What. The. Fuck? I was so nice to them, even when the lady ate half her sandwich and decided she wanted a new bun, "The bun isn't fresh. It's too crumbly." OH, so glad you realized that after you salivated all over the meat. But overrall, I made some decent cash and hope this next weekend helps me rake it in because it's time to get my computer!

I had some yummy pancakes with one of my bestest this morning nd it was a nice way to start my day. After I got to work, though, it sortof went down hill. My favorite manager, Jenn, had her last night today and when we gave her flowers and a cake, she got emotional so naturally, I got emotional. It's like an instant reflex: if I see someone crying in front of me, on screen in a movie or commercial, or over the phone.. I CRY. It doesn't help I already cry about everything too. The upside to the night, however, was Italian Stallion. I feel like I layed some groundwork (he has my number ;]) so we'll see. We'll only work together one more day. I can't believe I'm going back to school in a week..so not ready.

Goody, like two shoes

So, the other night I stayed up and read all of my old blog posts. I noticed how most of them are me being super emo and complaining or ranting about boys and other stupid things. One of my blogs I vowed to be more upbeat..but that lasted for a minute. I wish this was a preface to say I'm going to try and make good on that but I'm not. Tonight was not fun.

This morning I worked, made a lousy 20 bucks and came home to fall asleep. I had dreams about the boy I romped with at work and woke up to an empty house. Originally I had plans to go out but they didn't work out so I opted to watched Disney channel, hoping it would improve my Friday night. It did but when Phineas and Ferb came on, I couldn't muster the strength to find something more age appropriate and so I decided to read Eclipse. Actually, I should say I read portions of Eclipse because I started on page 180 and skipped chunks of certain chapters. I just fell in love with Edward again and I got emotional for the ending: Bella finally choosing him over Jacob. You think I'd be used to these heartwrenching decisions because I'm all up on soap operas but nope, still cried. It just made me sad and now I'm in this weird mood, playing sad music on my iPod (ironically 'Never Think' by Rob Pattinson just came on) and I want to curl in a ball and lay in the dark. Why are my emotions so retarded? I feel like I can never be content for more than 5 seconds. I went out last night, had a good night with my sister and her friends, and this morning was particurlarly flirty with Italian Stallion, although he shut me down to hang out. I can't figure him out.. he winks and calls me cutie, but when I offer invites for him to feel me up, he declines. Ok, I don't really say feel me up.. but still. Being miserable is not fun and being a somber sally is not attractive.

Sigh. One day these blogs are going to be bursting with sunshine and endorphins. Tomorrow I'm going to the beach so maybe a day by water will help me with my mood.

Somebody to love

I was watching Ella Enchanted this morning and Anne Hathaway was belting out "Somebody To Love" and now I can't get the Queen song out of my head. How ironic because it could be the anthem of my life.

I can't remember if I mentioned but recently I've taken to a new online dating site and I've been getting a few interesting e-mails. Today, a mature and VERY nice looking man indulged me with a lengthy e-mail and a "Hope we can talk more" end note. My fingers are crossed that it goes somewhere but with the kind of luck I've been having, I won't hold my breathe. School is slowly approaching and I am so unprepared. All I have for my new apartment is my comforter. I have yet to contribute to the kitchen, living room, bathroom (etc). It doesn't help my roommates are little Suzi Homemakers and have been spending the summer buying cute little things here and there. I'm such a procrastinator. However, I do plan on FINALLY getting my laptop this weekend and I'm also going to bang out some back to school shopping. I'm going to look for little things for the apartment too because I'm starting to feel bad.

20 years old and I've been on two dating sites. Is that so bad? Another co-worker of mine said I shouldn't be in such a rush but I can't help it. The single Corona-influenced nights are getting old and I want something steady and functional. The other day I was at the gym and saw some tan toddlers walk in with their sleeveless shirts and Kobe Bryant shorts and couldn't help but glance over their pubescent muscles. In the future, I predict myself to be a Cougar. I don't know what it is.. my taste in men - age, size, color, hair - is always the same. Lately, I've been rocking the cradle. A therapist would make bank off the thoughts and feelings I'd bring to the table.

P.S Haven't heard from the ex. Does he know?

Close but no cigar

I made good on my promise and went to the gym today. However, I also ate french fries and chinese food. You can't win em' all.

Work tonight was nothing exciting. It was so disgusting, temperature wise, in the restaurant. I was sweating more than when I worked out this afternoon. It was worse because one of the cuter bussers was on tonight.. I'm not sure if I nicknamed him but I'll just call him Big Arms. Big Arms is adorable and if he could just love me, everything would be alright. I'm not sure what to do with the rest of my Monday night.. probably get more food then watch TV or put in a movie.

1000 clever lines

Another weekend has come and gone and tonight, at 12:32 in the morning, I'm in a strange mood. For the past hour & a half, I've been listening to Ashley Tisdale's "It's Alright, It's Ok" and I can't stop. If my laptop wasn't a dilapitated piece of crap, I could upload it to my gym playlist for tomorrow. Slowly but surely I'm getting back into the gym - last week I went one day, haha. It's pitiful actually but this week - FOR REALZ - I'm hittin' it everyday and I'm going to throw away the two bags of chocolate I bought (and have been binging on) this weekend.

Friday night, my older sister and I decided last minute to go to Abyss, an overrated club a couple towns over. We pre-gamed and danced our man troubles away. I wore these killer heels that made me tall and feel delicious. I wear them around the house like slippers because I just love them. Saturday I worked but my tips could have fooled you - it was dead city. I came home to shovel away a pint of Ben & Jerry's and finished my book, People Are Unappealing by Sara Barron. It's a good laugh and she even had a chapter devoted to serving. One line she wrote was epic and has stuck with me, "Service with a smile is a response, not a guarentee." I haven't decided what to read next. I think Wuthering Heights because I'm in the mood for an old fashioned, almost impossible to read romance novel. Also, Twilight has had me wanting to read it for the longest time. But, the book I just finishedwas a memoir and anytime I read a memoir, I think: "I can do this!" Honestly, I've had jobs that show me the worst sides of people. I have had thoughts of jumping behind a counter and giving paper cuts to customers with their fake coupons. I've wanted to launch a ninja attack on guests who don't know how to tip. I've taken the plan B pill and engaged in scandalous escapades. I think Macy's is high end shopping and drive a Buick that breaks down on cue. I have a membership to a few online dating sites, I mean COME ON! And then I tweet about them. I could have literary gold on my hands if I tried. At least I think so, but anyway.

I'm sick and my tubes hurt. I'm fortunate to have my tubes hurting though so I'm not complaining. Thinking of starting a new blog, something less personal so I can post it on Facebook. Does that make me self-absorbed? Whatever. I'm going to turn it in.. but not after I check my newest online dating account. Ugh, I make myself sick.

I can't think of a good title

The day is almost over and it wasn't one for the books. I woke up early to work and when I got home, I fell asleep watching episodes of J.O.N.A.S. I was mortified when I went into work because my Italian Stallion busser picked up a shift and I decided not to make-over my face or run a brush through my hair. Homeboy saw me and I was a hot mess. For some reason, I didn't wake up in a good mood so at work I kept to myself and he asked, "Why are you so quiet today?" So he notices me :) haha, pathetic!

Tonight, I checked for my class schedule today and refreshed my memory on which professor's I'm taking. A friend of mine took philosophy and she said she had the worst teacher so I asked her who it was and luckily I don't have him... apparently, I have worse. She heard he's a jerk and really hard. Ratemyprofessors.com says he's really clear and engaging with the material, and others say you don't get a good grade if you don't answer the way he wants you to. When it comes to writing, not to toot my own horn, but I can lay it down. I'm talking news articles, short stories, essays, blogs, tweets.. whateva. When it comes to philosophy and ethics.. not so much. I already know this class is going to give me a headache.

P.S Demi Lovato started to cry during her Tampa concert a couple weeks ago and I just watched it on youtube.. and started crying. My life...

Funny People

I have so many passwords, it's ridiculous. I usually keep the same one for easy, quick log-ins for since I'm apart of so many social networking sites(they're like crack). But, a few of my accounts have needed me to change them and now when I log in to anywhere, it takes me 10 minutes to get it right. It happened just now logging in here so that's why I'm talking about it.

Anyway, tonight I went to see the movie Funny People. Personally, I don't like Adam Sandler - I don't find any of his stuff funny at all. I might have a disease but I can't help it. I wanted to see the movie more because of Seth Rogen, whose new slim figure makes him even more delicious, and I'd say I was mildly entertained. What was going on inside the theatre was a little more interesting, and uncomfortable. A couple in front of us were getting busy but the odd thing was, they weren't teenagers. In fact, the dude was in a shirt and tie and the girl in a black dress. Since when did getting some in a public venue become a black-tie affair? At first, she looked like she was busy with her hands then she layed down in his lap.. he nuzzled her neck with kisses and then he layed on her chest (I just reread this and it sounds like I'm writing a soft-core porn novel but I'm not). Then, it looked like they were fighting! I thought maybe he was crying because she wouldn't give in. When the sinners calmed down, a couple behind of got all cuddly and origami-like with their bodies. It was a straight up brothel.. my friend and I were the only one not getting it in. But back to the movie.. Daisy was my favorite character.

I think the funniest part was on the drive home I proposed I should be a stand-up comedian and I started spitting some lines to my friend. Here's what we came up with:

"Most comedians come up here and joke about their dicks and balls. I don't have a dick so I guess I'm not going to be funny. I have some crack in the back though, if you wanna do some lines or something.."

"So, this one time, my friend and I were at a mall. You'd think we were browsing for some clothes but no. Actually, we were looking for some hair pieces. It was a time long before "Bump It" was available in stores. We were trying them on, having fun with fake hair when a small asian lady came over, yelling that they were not toys. My friend shouted back that she had lost great customers! What's up with that?"

"When I get home, my mom is going to have a cow. She's going to be like 'Stephanie! You're not allowed to be out gallavanting past 10 p.m, celebrating your youth!"

"This kid I messed around with..his facebook status was "I wish I had some limes for these Coronas" and I wanted to reply "I wish you never saw me with my pants off..and had some Coronas to forget about it."

..Ok, some of those were just clips from our actual conversations but it could work.

P.S I have a new AIM term.. baggle.
Bustin.A.Gut.Gettin'.Laughs.Everywhere.
- tell all your friends. spread it like wild fire.

Happy August

24 days until I move back to the good ol' W-B. I have a brand new apartment waiting for me and I cant wait to cover my walls with new decor and pictures of my boyfriend and girlfriend, Zac Efron & Hayley Williams. On my drive home from work tonight, I felt all upbeat and awake and now as I sit here and write this, I'm feeling a little drowsy. Work tonight was a LOT better money wise as opposed to yesterday. When I got to work, it didn't look like it was going to be a good night. I had a stupid section and my manager pissed me off.. as well as new servers getting really good sections, sections I SHOULD HAVE. But as the night progressed, I started acting silly with some of my other good server friends and it worked out. It also helped I had some big tables that left some nice tips :) I worked tonight with a boy I romped around with a bit and decided I hate that he's seen me with my pants off. Although, tonight we had a normal conversation that I actually enjoyed. I wish it could go back to that ..not having to worry about being too suggestive or forward (since we've already taken it forward and let's just say a re-do is in order). What I need right now is a tone, tall, bronze and muscular man to dip my feet in buttermilk and give me a fabulous foot rub. I bought new shoes for work and breaking them in is not fun :(

P.S I still haven't returned *his* phone call. It's been 7 days of 0 communication and that's something to celebrate. I feel like I'm kicking a crack addiction, haha. I'm getting there.. slowly but surely.

Party of (al)one

I came home from class tonight to find my least favorite dinner on the stove: rice & corn beef. Ack. I originally had dinner plans with a friend but she didn't have the money, which I totally understand, so I was without a dinner partner - especially since my other best is going through a family death. So, know what I did? I went to On the Border to enjoy some Mexican all by my lonesome. I brought a book with me and after I sat down, I realized I left my phone at home so I couldn't call anyone, text, facebook, tweet.. nothing. I was really on my own, apart from Sara Barron, the author of the book I'm reading. It was oddly refreshing not being attached to my crackberry and finally having some downtime to read. My food was tasty, even though half way through I did wonder if maybe a party of one & a book to pass the time is only appropriate for lunch? But asserting my independence is not really what I wanted to talk about because while I was in class earlier, I received a phone call. It was my ex-boyfriend, and he left me a voice mail.
I almost fainted. I immediately started to shake because he NEVER calls me. EVER EVER EVER. So I'm thinking someone is dead, he or one of his family members are seriously injured and I'm the only female in his life who will give a shit. How awful is it to assume a phone call from your ex-boyfriend means death? That's how much he DOESN'T CALL or pick up any of my calls. The call went unreturned and now, I'm so confused. I have come up with a few more reasonable reasons as to why he called:

A) He realized I blocked him.
B) He thinks I'm dead.
C) He was driving in the car and wanted to pass the time.
D) He feels bad about our last conversation and having not heard from me concerns him.

HAHAHAHAAHAHAH to D. I think it's choice C, just because he sounded as if he were in a car, and/or it could be B since the last time we talked I was a mess and he could be concerned as to why I haven't been online. Whatever the reason.. I can't bring myself to call him back or unblock him. I already know I'll be disappointed as to why he REALLY called. According to this voicemail, he "hasn't heard from me in awhile and wants to know how I am". He goes months without talking to me, not caring why, and 7 days go by and now I'm getting phone calls. I don't know.. if I'm committed to this, to feeling better, I have to keep him out. So why does ignoring him make my heart hurt?

Everything you're not

As much as I wish I could blog from my bed, warm and snuggled up in my comforter..I still don't want to fight with whatever third world country I need to in order to figure out why my laptop isn't picking up my wireless connection. One more month and I'll have a new computer and we'll see what happens then. I've just gotten done with work and I'm home, in my igloo of a house, and inhaling my sister's mac & cheese.

So, a lot of my blog posts have had a lot to do with my ex-boyfriend. A few of them I even swore I was going to cut him out but this time, this time I sincerely mean it. Yesterday, while I felt miserable and was on the brink of tears, I thought maybe this once he'd be able to comfort me. Anytime I'm distraught, I instinctively reach for him because he used to be this sensitive person, he used to make everything better. This person I thought of? He doesn't exist and last night was no different. It was a brutal slap in the face of just how much I put into this whatever-ship and how much he does not. Everything benefits him.. I'm there to talk to, to pass the time, to flirt with, to express his emotions about family and class. Once he called me while I was at work and instead of forwarding the call, I took it and went to the bathroom, listening to him vent. I didn't have to do it but that's why he called me. That's what FRIENDS do. Yesterday, when he asked what was wrong, he replied "oh", "maybe its depression", and asked if I was pregnant. He might have been trying to joke but that was just rude, and enough for me. For 5 years, he's been a part of my life.. even the brief amount of time we weren't speaking, my thoughts and emotions always circled back to him. He is in my heart, always, but I can't let this break me down the way it does. Cutting him out doesn't really effect me.. all I've lost is someone to make me feel attractive when I'm lonely and if that's all, I can stick with my friends and family for that. There is still so much I could have said, most of it words to put him in his place and make him realize just how wrong he is..but none of it would be news to him. I think subconciously he's still so bitter about how I broke up with him and unknowingly projects that into how he treats me.. as if I'm indispensable. Demi Lovato has a lyric in one of her songs, "I will not spell it out for you if you can't see cause you're not worth it" .. that's my situation to a T. I'm not going to spell it out.. how many years of dealing with each other and still, he acts as if I'm a machine with no heart or feelings? I'm not going back. It isn't a matter of what I deserve and what I don't, a way I've put it before, but I'm just done. I don't have anything left of me to give.

I'm sad. I'm really sad but it hurts more to go on the way that we do. I was selfish in thinking we could be friends after it ended between us, a part of me will always regret that, but I can't let that keep me as an attempt to redeem myself. One day I know it'll get better. I just wish that day were today.

Girl talk

Today's weather was ominous of my mood although I don't feel as terrible as I was yesterday. There haven't been any tears and that's always good. Despite the weather, I was able to drive my boat of a car through the monsoon and meet my girlfriend for lunch. We dined at Nifty Fifty's and caught up over cheese fries & milkshakes :] Some girl time was all I needed - we got to talking about the newspaper and all sorts of things, it was nice. She actually shed some light on my situation and helped me realize I'm not one of those sexaholics on Lifetime that need to look for penance. I just need to really think before I act, especially now that I know this type of feeling exists. It's not fun.

But after Philly, I came home for class, which I ALMOST didn't go to, and I could barely keep my eyes open. Now, I'm here drinking Diet Pepsi and watching Heartbreakers with my mother. I would be talking to a potential "match" right now if he didn't diss my family and blame it on the fact he's tired and a loner. What is it going to take for me to meet a nice, young man? Well, for starters, I'll have to greet them with a hello and not an invitation for a good ol' romp. Aside from that, I'm not sure.

Love rhymes with hideous car wreck

It was an awful day - from start to finish.

I woke up this morning with zero motivation to go to the gym.. AGAIN. I don't know what is with me. I used to get so pumped thinking about my daily run and now it's the totally opposite. I had work tonight and got there got in a bad mood and the people and customers only made it worse. It's so aggravating when it's slow and there's stacks of silverware and baskets, as well as food to be run and the servers act like they don't see it. I know they see it because I act like that too..but it's when I'm actually making an effort and have to listen to the expo and my manager yell 50 times "can we run this please!? i need silver, please! baskets, please!" A few of my tables left me stupid tips and I just don't understand them.. you can pay to eat out, you can afford a 15% tip.

The main reason today was so awful was because I was a little scandalous this afternoon. A guy friend of mine came over and one thing led to another which didn't surprise me but it was how I felt afterwards that threw me off guard. I just felt like crying. It turned out to be something I didn't want.. I wasn't into it. I started to hate myself for willingly putting myself in these meaningless situations and that only extended to my inability to create a stable, lasting connection with a man. I don't even know how to approach a guy to simply hang out, get to know one another without suggesting we fool around in some way. It's not that that is all I want from guys..I feel like it's all I suggest because I'm convinced it's all I'm worthy of receiving. I thought about it and I do not have any functional male relationships, apart from my two best guy friends. My father is a joke and any guy I've been interested in has only been interested me until they got what they wanted and sobered up. I can't say I'm so innocent because sometimes I do the initiating but tonight, I realized I'm afraid to emotionally connect with anyone since I've been so let down. I know I want a relationship, that stability and comfort but I feel like I know guys all too well and delude myself into thinking it's better to just go along with it. Where is that line between having fun and being self-destructive? What it really comes down to is how much I respect myself..if I respect myself enough or not. I hated how I felt this afternoon, even now thinking back on it is just making me so disappointed in myself because it's making me look on my past activity with a new perspective. When did I get this way and how can I make myself better?

Internet woes

I started this blog long after I spent months cursing Dell and their decision to outsource. While they did EVENTUALLY solve some of my issues, my computer has not been performing to its full potential. As of this past week, I know longer have sound and the router we have for my house is not working properly so I have no internet connection. As much as I hate using my PC because there is so much crap and it runs super slow, I can't muster up the strength and energy to call Dell and find out what the f is up. So.. here's the plan: I'll have to twitter and facebook via my crackberry or this PC until the end of summer when I've decided I will be purchasing a Mac.

This weekend was very exhausting. I worked a double on Friday with the boy I am newly smitten with. His nickname is "Italian Stallion" which is subject to change because I'm not even sure if he's Italian. Anyway, Italian Stallion winks at me and makes my knees all wobbly. But, the one time I jokingly asked when we were going on a date and he said never. ROFL. It's only funny because that's worse than the rejection hotline number. He's single though..a fact I found out by some heavy duty sleuthing. I'm going to try and make a move. Next Friday (because we only work together Friday's), it's ON. But anyway, after work I went home because Saturday was the summer open house for King's. This girl was on the road at 5 am which means she was awake at 4.. well 4:15. By the time I got to the W-B, and gave my first tour, it felt like the afternoon to me. It was only 10:30! My apartment building for the fall is coming along and looks so SO good. It's definitely going to be done by the time I need to move in and I can't freakin' wait. Afterwards I stopped at Red Robin, my "old/temporarily absent from" stomping grounds. Some of my friends filled me in on the W-B drama and honestly, it's like Days of Our Lives. The Red Robin I'm at now for the summer is NOT like that at all. If the other servers are pimps and hoes, I haven't the slighest idea and I like it that way. It's a burden to carry around all this gossip.. it gets you in trouble and clouds your judgement! My Saturday didn't end there because I needed to babysit.. took my favorite little persons to the carnival and I even got hit on. The conversation went as follows:

"Are they yours?" Man with lazy eye and yellow teeth pointing to my munchkins asks.
"Oh no, I'm just their babysitter."
"I bet you'd make a good mom though."

Oh.. um.. GROSS. That being said, today was another double shift, shitty tips, and some tears. For the record, the tears did not all relate to work. I'm emotional and spontaneously dissolve into crying fits, it's okay.

Other highlights:
I'm burning a hole through Paramore's new single, Ignorance.
Demi Lovato's CD is coming out Tuesday and I can't wait to buy it.
I'm getting my hair cut :]
Currently, I'm reading People Are Unappealing by Sara Barron. It's wonderful.

Mm k. I need to get to bed.

"Life Is Beautiful...

.. but it's complicated, we barely make it
we don't need to understand
there are miracles, there are miracles."

WHAT UP VEGA 4 - This song is lovely. I've just finished watching Sex Drive with some no name actors but that didn't matter because it was pretty good. Of course, there was a love story and the two characters admit they are in love with one another and this song plays.. isn't that just wonderful? Why can't it ever happen like that? Like.. it would be so much easier for girls if when they were kissing a guy, a sweet melody played to cue to them that yes, this is your leading man. For example, if I were kissing a guy and "Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today" came on -"Let's play this game called "where you catch fire", I wouldn't piss to put you out" - I would know I was swapping spit with Satan. And I wish I could hear my internal thoughts, like Carrie Bradshaw on Sex & the City. It would make this whole blogging process a lot more intimate. How about when I'm driving in the car and I stare longingly out the window? It would be nice to have some self-reflective ballad playing, like "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot or "Lift Me Up" by Kate Voegele. Music is a powerful indication of someone's mood, feeling, the atmosphere... I'm just waiting for something and I'm not sure what it is. It isn't necessarily love or happiness or fulfillment or rock hard abs.. maybe it's a combination of all four. Maybe I just need some continuity.. some feeling of contentment. Sigh. If my life were a movie, here is how it would be and all the songs to go with it:

Opening Credits:
"I'm On A Boat" The Lonely Island

Scenes including my teenage mishaps/struggle to be thin:
"It's Only Life" Kate Voegele

My first hearbreak:
"Don't Forget" Demi Lovato

My nights out with the girls because some jerk broke my heart:
"Hush Hush" Pussycat Dolls OR "Just Dance" Lady GaGa

My first time running for more than 5 minutes on a treadmill:
"Finally" CeCe Peniston or "Hip's Don't Lie" Shakira

Moving away to college:
"A New Day" Tamar Kaprelian

Finding success with school, jobs, and internships:
"Turn My Swag On" Soulja Boy

Waking up from many nights of teenage debauchery:
"Last Name" Carrie Underwood OR "Lipgloss" Lil' Mama

Realizing my pattern of being with all the wrong dudes:
"Here We Go Again" Demi Lovato OR "99 Times" Kate Voegele

Gaining and losing friends:
"Hi Hater" Maino AND "Nobody's Perfect" Hannah Montana

Meeting Mr. Right:
"At Last" Etta James OR "Lovebug" The Jonas Brothers

Waking up bronze and abtastic:
"Circus" Britney Spears OR "Thong Song" Sisqo

Landing my dream job and dying happy:
"Banana Pancakes" Jack Johnson

Closing Credits:
"Misery Business" Paramore

Okay, some of this is serious and some of it is not but you get the point. Some parts of my life are so Hollywood already that this just makes sense. Or maybe my exhaustion is catching up with me. Regardless, some musical encouragement would make life a whole lot more interesting.

Here we go, go, go again

It's official: I LIKE the music Demi Lovato makes. I'm constantly listening to her songs "La La Land", "Don't Forget", and now "Here We Go Again." I think I may even buy her new album, coming out later this month. I thought she was just a guilty pleasure but I can't lie to myself anymore. I also follow her on Twitter, as well as her biffle Selena Gomez who I wish I could be. Selena is the most trendy, charismatic young star I've come across. I o.d on her and Demi's twits because I want their lives - how lame! Also with new song releases, PARAMORE has a new single, Ignorance, that is pretty sweet. I swear I have a serious problem when it comes to their music. It's safe to say I have a girl crush on Hayley (who I also follow on Twitter) and might need some help.

But anyway, I'm just wasting time before I go make myself study for a test I should have taken last week. The stuff is in my car and I like to walk around with long shirts and no pants SO I'm too lazy to put on pants and I don't know if the neighbors will appreciate me flashing them. I was not productive today, just babysat and came home to find out my night class was not tonight but tomorrow. I'm a hot mess. I ended up finding the motivation to go to the gym and I was almost positive I was going to collapse. I ate so well today, minus the chinese food I had for lunch :(, but I'm seriously committed to getting lean and mean. I'll be delicious by September - I can feel it. No, literally.. I'll be so sore tomorrow. That's all.. oh, and I might have a new prospect off match but I'm most definitely not getting my hopes up. It's still Zac Efron - I'm all yours baby.

Game time!

Happy 4th of July - well, it was almost an hour ago but still! I celebrated this American holiday with family, bbq & wine coolers. If my mother wasn't eyeing me down, I would have knocked back some more drinks but I didn't want to sour the mood. Instead, I stuffed as many smores that would fit into my gob as I could. A family my uncle knew had the three cutest girls. The oldest, ironically named Stephanie, was a pistol. She has had a few boyfriends, texts like mad on her LG VOYAGER, understood what I though were sneaky sexual innuendos and comfortably used the term wing woman. In addition, she has read the Twilight books and she has a twitter. Honestly, the coolest 12 year old I have ever met. Her sisters were cute and if they didn't live so far away, I'd throw my number down to babysit before you could say marshmallow.

But anyway, tonight I decided I need to diet. I need to get back into my Hitler-like gym regimen and cut out all the shit I eat. Especially after this vacation, it's time to get my ass back on track. So to make it interesting - and an all family effort - my mother and sisters have decided to make a little game out of it. In two months, whoever has lost 20lbs or more can win something with a $150 value - gift card, electronic, spa/nail certificates..lalala. those of us who haven't lost that much split the money (there is 4 participants so $50 a person). I think it'll be fun and the more support, the better.

I'm falling asleep but I did want to make a note that Chelsea Handler is a riot and her book was hysterical. I'm going to get her first one, My Horizontal Life, and then if there's money left to be spent, I'll pick up Why Men Love Bitches and LA Candy. I'm sure I had more to say but I'm being hit with a wave of exhaustion. Until tomorrow.

NOLA and other significant life events

I don't even know how to preface this entry because a)I haven't posted anything in quite a while and b) there's a lot I want to say. First and foremost, I've just gotten home from my weeklong stay in New Orleans, Louisiana. I'm cozy in my bed with my Powerpuff Girl blanket and anxioulsy waiting for our pizza to get here - it was a week long diet of fried shrimp, mashed potatoes, and bbq ribs. Oh, and lets not forget the virgin daquiris. NOLA was balls hot but a lot of fun. I layed poolside with my sisters, took tours of the gorgeous French Quarter (saw Brangelina's place!) and cruised along the Mississippi. I even made a point to dip my toe in it because I thought that was important, I don't really know. We visited Bourbon Street and ate their famous beignets (similar to a zeppoli). I'm definitely going to return after I turn 21 and for Mardi Gras. I have this thought in my head I've been dying to get down: when I got off the plane, I had my unbrushed hair scooped under my Mets hat and was wearing my Jonas Brothers shirt. I couldn't help but wonder if people were looking at me, pitying my dissheveled appearance, and questioning if I came from an underprivleged part of the world where they only heard of specific pop stars and praised them more than people in the states actually do: i.e, the Beach Boys. That might suck but my first example was Michael Jackson and THAT would be inaccurate since he's even bigger now than when he was alive - god bless his moonwalking soul.

Before I left for vacation, I went on my first date. Yes, I know - 20 years old and I've only just been on a date. Physically, he was a 5. Emotionally (or how I will rate the date), a 6. The reason it scored so high is because he was a gentleman when it came to driving out here and paying for dinner and a movie. His snide remarks and Vin Diesel strut were just a couple of the things that turned me off which sucks because we've spent a majority of the last two weeks talking via text. My Match account has since expired and I'm waiting until either Zac Efron or someone interesting "winks at me" before I do one of those again.

As a result of this failed "match", and when I was not indulging in a few of the beach books I brought along, I thought of my ex boyfriend - especially the night we were just relaxing on a dock. It was a classic date spot and I just kept wondering, why the hell am I still single? Why can I be so scandalous, have guys falling all over themselves and into my bed, car, bathroom (w/e) but no one bold enough to stick it out past a fortnight of intoxicated debauchery? When I was in NOLA, I let a man with a long pony tail read my fortune through tarot cards. As far as meeting Mr. Right, he will come when I don't need "it" anymore. I suppose it is that mythical thing called love, or the comfort and stability of a handsome, genorous young man. When will I not need or want that? Other highlights: I was very accomplished this year, I will have difficulty in September/Novemeber, the holidays will be rough for me and there is a chapter in my life I want to close and will find the strength to do so. This chapter is obviously my ex boyfriend. The more shitty my single life is, the more I am pulled to him. I'm such a mess. However, I do have a nice tan and operation lip ring is soon to commence.

Things to look forward to: 4th of July bbq, Ear piercings (the originals you get when your an infant, mine closed up - I KNOW, retarded), and a lip ring!?! And that's it. Oh, and I still want some fucking mexican food. Hopefully tonight I'll fill my abdomen with fajitas and guacamole.

P.S I'm reading Are you there, Vodka? It's me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler- it's brilliant. I'm pissing myself. I'll be tweeting some of her hilarity because I have nothing better to do and twitter gives meaning to my life. Over vacation my sisters had their boys, and I had my tweets. Twits. Twats. Whateva.

I may be weak but I'm never defeated

Kate Voegele <3

This weekend has been a doozy on my emotions. Thursday & Friday seemed promising, as I went to go see No Doubt & Paramore at the Susquehanna Bank Center and then Friday went to Abyss. However, when Saturday came, not only was I hungover, but unavoidably hours away from my dad's wedding. I chose to skip the ceremony and only attend the reception - something for him, something for me. I put on a dress, did my make up and showed up with my friend in time to greet and make small talk with family I haven't seen in years. I said hello to my dad and sat at my table, immediately inquiring if there was an open bar. I got served until my father made a point to ban ONLY ME from getting any alcohol, so then my friend did the dirty work and supplied us. Here is a brief shout out to those who put their time and effort into making Yuengling a possible beverage choice for Americans. It is by far the tastiest beer I've had to date (keeping in mind I haven't gotten around to a majority of them). I'll just say the taste made it easy to get through a few bottles, almost too easy especially since I was driving home. I will admit that as I sat at the table, I turned my back to the celebratory dances and photo ops and ran my mouth to those sitting around me. Mind you, it was my sister and her friends so it wasn't a problem. The problem came when my father, after my departure of course, told my sister he thought I was rude and if I was going to behave the way I did, I should have never came. WELL if I was "so rude", why didn't you ask me to leave? And we didn't exhange enough words for me to even be a hint of rude so where he is getting that from, I'm not sure. What hurt me the most is tonight when I came home from dinner, talking about it to my sister (who is in the bridal party) and she decides to say I made her uncomfortable. I made HER uncomfortable: my sister, who was not only in the bridal party but also had her 2 friends in attendance who were also spending the night at my father's house, and getting friendly with my dad's step-sons and their friends. Things got loud and I came to my room only for me to cry and push away my dinner. My oldest sister came to talk to me, left, and when she got to the kitchen, her and my younger sister had it out. She defended me but it made me upset because this woman who destroyed my parents, their relationship, has also destroyed the relationship with my sisters. Amanda is young but that excuse can only be valid for so long. While I could have kept more of my personal thoughts to myself, it was what kept me together. If I couldn't be sarcastic, then I would be a train wreck. It was bad enough when I saw my relatives from Florida I wanted to bawl but I kept it together. I have the Yuengling and best friend to thank for that.

I want all of this to be over. I'm tired of my dad acting like a teenager, never sticking up for me and making excuses for his wife. After an incident at his house a few weeks ago, an incident I never received an apology far, I am painfully reminded of the woman she really is and how she will never, EVER compare to my mother and the fact my father remarried to HER is a tragedy. I've cried so much and just when I think I can't anymore, a wave of fresh tears fall down my face. It's official: every relationship I've had with a male in my life has failed and left me broken and bruised. I need to find someone who can pick me up and remind me that there are men worth loving, believing. Where are you, fictitious dream boy?

Stress Stress Stress

I'm exhausted. A recap of this awful day:

1) I so kindly picked up a shift today for a girl who couldn't come in. All was well until I got a party of 8 and they wanted to eat, dine, and pay all before 130. They gave me their order at 1:05, it was punched in at 1:07. Why they didn't go stuff their faces at Chick-Fil-A is beyond me but we'll overlook that. I told the kitchen I NEEDED the order before 1:30 and somehow he thought I said to WAIT. WHY WOULD I SAY TO WAIT? So when one woman so snottily demanded her food, I went over to the kitchen and this is the moment where my good day unraveled, glacially than significantly. I needed a manager and he asked what was going on, the kitchen said their half and I mine, and the servers (namely just one asshole) started running their mouth about "The rule is after 10 minutes, get a manager!" So my manager went over to the table and apologized, said they were putting in a rush order and lunch was on him. A nice, 80 dollar lunch that would have probably gotten me a 10 dollar tip. Bastards. After it was all over, I got a good talking to and before he even opened his mouth, I bawled. I felt awful and knew I was starring in the "Guess who fucked up today!" story for the night shift. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I eventually pulled myself together and had two tables to finish taking care of and one look at me, they probably thought I went into the back to get high.

2) On my way home from work, my drive of shame, I pull up to my house to find an unfamiliar car in my driveway. It was an infiniti and I knew it didn't belong to anyone I knew. I walked inside and quickly found its owner, entwined with my youngest sister. The most horrifying fact: she was using my Ariel blanket. When I get the chance, I'm throwing it away.

3) I had my first test in my summer class and I got a D. A freakin D - the letter grade I would give my life.

4) "Service Engine Soon" lit up in my car and as I was making turns, the vehicle began to sputter. I'm almost positive this Buick was created in the darkest pits of my nightmares. I had all sorts of plans for tomorrow but now I'm petrified I'll get stuck on the highway, either safely out or very much in harms way. Which, at this point, would not be so bad. I was going to get my nails done & my blackberry tomorrow but NOT NOW. The No Doubt/Paramore concert is Thursday and if I don't have transportation, I'll die.

MOTHER &%^*%*.
I feel more tears coming on.

Fork You!

So yesterday when I said I got crabby, I had a chance to turn things around today because I worked with Bond again. We seemed to have settle our differences and he continued to "fork me." He does it on the sly that when I left for the night, I had to come back in because I had two forks in my bag. Like, really? How did I miss that? The next time I see him, he's going to get it.

I should be studying for my ethics test tomorrow night since I picked up an a.m shift but I don't want to and frankly, I'm sort of pissed off. I'll own up that when I'm home and don't have work in the morning, I sleep until 2. I'm a waste of space, I know, and so I don't always tidy up the house the best I should or clean my dishes. So when my oldest sister and mother get home, I get scolded. What I hate is when I get yelled at for not doing anything in the morning but my sister doesn't after being home all afternoon. This just happened and I know it's bad but the attitude is annoying and she threw some concerning news in my face to remind me to get my act together and that was rude. I'm pissed off, again, and am slowly developing a headache. Another reason for my sour mood is that I may be getting the Storm on Wednesday as my birthday present from my dad but we'll see. I really want a blackberry and my mom isn't happy about it. She says I don't pay for my bill which is dumb because I'm making the money. I've only spent my funds on food and gas, nothing indulgent like clothes that I desperately need. She is so lax about it and then I get a lecture as if I voluntarily say to not take the full amount for the month. I know this frustration is misplaced, as it is in every case a daughter gets mad at her mother and oldest sister/guardian, but whatever. Tonigt I just don't care.

Bowls of Candy and PMS

This past weekend was insane in terms of working at the Bird aka Red Robin. Saturday and tonight I left well after closing time and raked in some sweet cash. I'm making a list of things I may want to buy by the end of the summer and on it is a Macbook and blackberry of some sort. We'll see. I have nothing of significance to blog about but does it ever need to be? I've been acting like a child and avoided the internet because I let my ex-boyfriend get under my skin. Even now, being on AIM for the first time in a few days, I just want to rage and list off every thing I don't like about him but he's the kind who can dish but can't take it. Maybe I'll make a list here:

1) You are selfish.
2) You constantly complain about the dumbest things like your mother getting on your case about cleaning the dishes. You're 23 and don't pay rent - shut your mouth and do them.
3) You rely on your dad's money and have no sense of independence.
4) You have one friend who is a complete jerk and several e-girlfriends that you claim you never talk to but that's crap.
5) You don't know the first thing about being my friend and I'm not sure why you have this invisible, impenetrable hold over me.
6) Your future looks bleak and yet you can still make me feel so small.

Okay. I feel a little better that somewhere my honest opinions exist. As far as the boys go, still single. James Bond got perfectly annoying tonight and it was a classic situation where my emotions ran abnormally high (I'm PMSing real BAD) but we ended with a hug, to which I wanted his bones to melt onto mine and never detach but I calmed myself down. I'm so weird sometimes. He probably thinks I'm stupid and can't take a joke - which I can just sometimes my feelings are really tender lol - but oh well. I have a bowl of starbusts next to me and back to back Law & Order episodes to watch so I'll write again soon.

New Day - Tamar Kaprelian

The Mets are on high alert for the swine flu. I think the news should stop making it sound like the black plague and obsess over another new but very treatable disease.

Tonight I just want to write. I am more or less upset with my love life, since it is standard for me to have contradicting entries on the topic, and I have empty hershey kiss wrappers and dorito bags to prove it. For the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling like my life and the way I live it is insufficient. I though about self-help books and even looked a few up on the internet. I've bought one that was published in 96, Kitchen Table Wisdom, and so far, it has had a lot to do with illness which for a split second I thought might not be relevant to my life. But since I'm blessed with good health, aside for extra flesh around my middle, how can I not read this story and be thankful? The point of the book is to heal by reading stories of those who have truly suffered, who have felt lost and unsure of their purpose in life. I'm not far into it but I'm already determined to really absorb what's been writtne and let the words sink in to help me appreciate all that is me. I'm so preoccupied with boys and why I can't seem to find something long lasting but why? The more I obsess about it does not mean the situation will get better. It is what it is and I can either make the best of it or pout (or in this case, complain via blog). I just wish this fleeting thought is something I could actually commit to. I want my emotions to be balanced, not erratic. I want to be happy, in every aspect of my life. I can't seem to get there and it's eating away at me. Am I depressed? I think it just goes back to my counselor saying I have the curse of meaning. Sigh.

A Fine Mess

The title of this entry so accurately describes my love life but is a tribute to Kate Voegele because I can't get enough of her new cd, A Fine Mess. I'm actually headed for bed in just a bit but my minx side has been hanging about and has sent my mind into a "what am I doing?/ what do I want for myself in terms of boys?" frenzy.

I'll admit here (since the two people who follow me already know), I am a new member of match.com, where you can "find singles at the largest online dating site." I was a little hesitant to join just because the last time I met someone online, I was ridiculed but I feel like today, it's more socially accepted and a friend of mine said she recently signed up so I figured, why not? Online dating has seemed to transition from sleezy MySpace to respectable Match. The first night I was on, taking an extremely and probably unnecessary amount of time to put my profile together, I searched some people, one of whom we have been e-mailing back and forth. Everyday I wake up or come home for work, logging right into my account, and hoping to see another e-mail from him. I am by no means saying this is love, or even like, but this whole process is exciting with omeone actually taking the time to get to know me, not to see if I'll go to bed with them. However, this weekend, I performed a hat trick which I will not go into further detail but let's say I acted in a very single manner and why shouldn't I? I'm still young and am not tied down, which seems awesome, but makes me sad. I'm all for fun and games but fun and games has been my life for a couple years now. I want excitement but new relationship excitement. I'm back to my "I want a boyfriend" stage but who do I want it to be? James Bond is still gorgeous but on hold because I'm afraid I'm not his type. The weekend boys are a no and another boy who has been texting me on and off is good for nothing except getting on my nerves with his antics. There always seem to be boys in my life but not for a long period of time, unless they're my best friends or father, and in the case of my father, he's not always there. What it comes down to is I want to feel special, and not "special" because the boy drinking Keystone decided to come over, put the moves and steal a kiss only later to walk out without me or my number.

I want someone to spend time with, not in a marry me kind of way but in a way I can't with my family and friends (I paraphrased this from my profile, which sounds lame repeating it). Sigh, I need some advil. And dove chocolate.

I think therefore I am.

Tonight, I had my night class, Ethics, which has, so far, been a three hour discussion on morality and my teacher contributing lame jokes. However, tonight's class stimulated my mind and since I seem to never participate in any of my classes, I'll do so here.

We were discussing a case discussed in the first chapter of our book. There was a baby, baby Theresa, who was born without a brain. I can't correctly spell her condition but all she had was a brain stem, nothing else. Babies with her condition die after two weeks and in this particular case, the parents wanted to donate her organs to other babies in need. Yet, the law of Florida says organ transplants can not begin until after the person in question is dead, and has died naturally. If they were to remove baby Theresa's organs, she would have died instantly. When she finally did die, her organs had deteriorated and were no longer useful. The discussion was should they have donated her organs while she was alive? After listening to everyone's opinion, I have decided that no, baby Theresa should have gone untouched until after her death. Parents are responsible for making decisions, vital and crucial decisons when it comes to their child. If my child were born essentially brain dead, I would be heartbroken. While I see how my baby's organs could save other infants, it is still MY baby. She/he may not know that, but I do. It is a life I've created and while there is a chance her organs can save others, they can also be rejected. By choosing to have a baby, you choose to give it a chance to live, no matter how short that life may be. Organ transplants are great things but only after the person donating has died naturally, as it is their right to do so, whether they know it or not.

I don't know if it's the class or what but on the drive home, I didn't feel quite right. Although this is in no relation to the topics discussed in class, I just started to think about my life and where I'm at right now. I have a job that pays well, family and friends that love me, and a promising fall semester, as well as future. Still, a part of me feels insignifcant, that everything I am doing and caring about is amounting to nothing. I'm college educated and don't feel intelligent. The idea of not feeling is not new to me. Often, I've felt numb to so many situations. While I was dating my boyfriend, there were times I didn't care if he said he loved me or if he were going to break up with me. How do I know I'm in love? How do I know I'm happy or sad? It scares me to think I don't ever feel, which is silly, because I've cried and gotten worked up over so many things. What I'm getting at is that I don't feel enough things as intensely as I'd like. But why do I need obvious indicatons that tell me "YOU ARE IN LOVE!" or "YOU ARE SO HAPPY!"? Even with James Bond - I am attracted to and flirt with so many boys (I've often suggested I need rehab for this unheard of "condition") that I'm unsure of what I'm supposed to feel from someone I know I genuinely like, not just want to fool around with for a night or two. I AM sure of how he makes me feel, but are these just general reactions from someone who is attractive and isn't an asshole? I have all of this doubt and wonder if I'm going about him, or anything for that matter, in the right way. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to working with him but why am I getting so worked up? Do I really think anything will become of this? How can I be so crazy in like with someone and I've barely talked to them? I'm so desperate to feel, so desperate to find someone to share my life with in a way different from my family and friends. This might not make any sense but I'm in this really weird funk that my life is just going on without me and I'm not doing all I can to really live it. I wonder if I'm meeting the right people, making the right friends. Do I challenge myself enough? Am I too mainstream and not originial enough? All of this is making me want to cry, a good, healthy cry for all that is and for all that is to come. Maybe one day I'll be able to describe or explain this better but for now, all I can do is extend a sarcastic thank you to my Ethics class, so thank you, Ethics class for plaguing my mind with questions I will not be able to answer.

Call me Mrs. Bond, Mrs. James Bond

Hello, blogworld.

Memorial Day weekend has come and gone. It was equipped with double shifts at Red Robin, my birthday bbq which featured an appropriate amount of Little Mermaid paraphenilia (i.e, table cloths, balloons, and candle) and a keg. I WISH I was joking about that last one. Over all, it was good times. Tonight I was back to work and the man I am currently smitten with was also working. I'm trying to think of a clever nick name.. maybe like James Bond. It's his initials flipped, but of course I will not reveal his real name to. When it comes to him, in reference to Georgia Nicholson, "the Sex God has landed" and when he looks at me, talks to me, passes me a tray and/or napkin.. my knees go all "jelloid." Perfect may seem cliche but it's a very appropriate adjective to describe him. All of my descriptions are juvenille but it's to a point that if I'm typing an order into the computer and he comes by me and starts talking, I get all flustered and forget what to do so I mess up the order. I actually admitted that to him today. He must think I'm crazy. OH, but I am, crazy in like with him. We work together again on Wednesday and I'm hoping to advance the friendship. How I plan to do this? I'm not sure. One thing for sure is I am definitely anxious to see how our interaction evolves in the workplace..and maybe even outside ;] but I won't hold my breath.

I'm Stuffed

Status on my sunburn: Still hurts. A lot. A lot a lot.

I've been working all day, serving barbeque burgers and limeades. I made decent money for a Friday night but the best news I have to share is that I have met a beautiful man. I hadn't worked with him before tonight, was unaware of his existence, until fate (or my managers) finally scheduled us together. ACTUALLY I wasn't supposed to work tonight but I picked up a shift for a friend. Thank god I did. This individual's beauty is literally staggering and he is an '09 TCNJ grad. Smart, handsome, AND EDUCATED. I hit the jackpot. Unfortunately, word is he doesn't date people he works with which is ust another reason to love him: he values privacy and dislikes gossip. Sigh. Anytime he talked to me, I had to tell someone: "OH MY GOD. SO AND SO JUST TALKED TO ME." You don't get more juvenille than that. He put his hand on my back and I thought I was going to (insert dramatic action here..too tired to think.) We're working together on Monday and I'm looking forward to it.

Reverting back to my Georgia Nicholson obsession, I believe I have what she describes as "red bottomosity" and that I have the "cosmic horn." These terms literally mean I am a) boy crazy and b) like all kinds of boys. It's funny how a fictional character's life and goofy vocab can actually be applicable, as well as accurate, to my life.

I'm Not Your Angel, Darlin

Good morning, blog.

I have to say, all my effort and love have been channeled into Facebook, of course, and Twitter. I've finally figured out a user name and now i'm hooked. It's 6 in the morning and I'm awake because my sister just threw it down verbally with her boyfriend. I was going to get up anyway because I'm going to the beach today! And by myself, at that. I should probably save the gas but it's going to be sooo nice and to be honest, I'm looking forward to a day, alone, with just me, the waves, and a nice book. Also, I'll be able to tan!

Anyway, I haven't had the time to blog and felt like now would be a good opportunity. Since I've last written, I have been faced with a lot of boy...complications. The only reason they have become complicatios is because I'm not sure what I want. I don't know if I'm still looking for a relationship or if I'm content with how my life is now. My ex boyfriend is talking to me again, and not talking nonsense either. We had a serious convo the other night about "us" and it's obvious we both, in our way, still like each other and want to be dating. When I told my friend about this, she asked what was going to happen and honestly, nothing. He is still so far away and neither of us have the means to see each other anytime soon, even though I have been working my ass off at Red Robin. This weekened I picked up two shifts so I'll be a double Friday & Saturday ($$$,hopefully). But the point is, it doesn't matter what we feel. We literally can not do anything about and it does make me sad to think I might never see him again. Were he and I supposed to fall apart, experience other people and kinds of relationships, just for us to later fall back together? Is it time for us to try again? Is he the reason why I haven't had any luck finding something stable with another boy? I'm at a point where I would like to let someone in, but who and when are two questions I'm asking myself. I'd just like to wake up and have all these complications sorted out for me. I'd also like a six pack and calves to kill but I won't push my luck.

P.S - A Fine Mess by Kate Voegele came out Monday. Pick it up, it's amazing.
P.S.S - My birthday is in a week (:

Why Am I Awake?

Last night, my sister and I went to a lounge called Diva's in North Jersey. We went last week and the promoter was able to get me in and we had a good time. This time, my cousin and my sister's good friend Monica came along with us. Tony Sunshine - a quasi-rapper - was there and it was a lot of fun. But, we got home at 3 this morning and I'm already awake. Like WIDE freaking awake and I'm watching Carrie. WTF?

So, a few entries ago, I said scandalous stephanie was taking a long vacation. Wait, I might have just tweeted that but whatever. The point is, she stopped in at Diva's last night. My life is out of control.

Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.

Thoughts on my new job: there are some weird, angry people in the world. However, on the up side, I did win some people over and they seem like they'll be fun to work with. Everyone has sympathy for me which is great to play on when I make mistakes, which of course, I did.

Before I got home last night, I took a detour and went to visit my friend Steve. Steve and I didn't actually become friends until we graduated which is sad because we had two classes that year. Our friendship is really weird, sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. Most of the time he's acting like a jerk so we never hang out but it was nice to see him. He had surgery on his shoulder and I felt bad for the cripple. I think he liked having a chance to show off his scars. Guys like to look tough, don't they?

When I got home, I watched a Kat Williams DVD with my sister and it was ha-larious. BUT then I went to bed and had an awful dream. It was about a friend of mine from grade school and she admitted to talking to my ex boyfriend, who confided in HER that he "had enough of me." Cue the tears. For the duration of my REM cycle, I was crying because he didn't tell me directly and would talk to her, not me. What made it worse was that I woke up and was so out of it, I thought it was real! I was depressed for 5 minutes before I realized it was a dream. Even in my dreams, I'm hyper-sensitive. My former b.f and I are still not talking but I know he isn't talking about me to anyone. He doesn't care that much which is just a reminder of why I shouldn't waste any of my time on him. uGH so why can't I think about anything else?

I'm hopeless. But here are things to look forward to:
Kate Voegele
Birthday!!
No Doubt/Paramore
Fall internship at the WEEKENDER :)

I'm working on Clara for a celebratory bbq but it's not working. Well then, this has been a succesfully pointless blog. Oh welllllllll.

Are There Rules to Babysitting?

For a greater portion of my day, I spent it with two of the best kids ever. Amanda is 11 and Justin is 9 and our conversations usually span from the Jonas Brothers to World of War Craft but today, we had a slighlty adult conversation. Justin had asked if I ever kissed a boy, to which I replied yes, and then they hit me with this: "What kind of kiss was it?"

I didn't know how to describe it to them in a way that would be appropriate. They were asking me about one boy who I told them I occassionaly see, especially now that it's summer. Amanda asked why we weren't dating and said I could tell her what kind of kissing we do since she plays the Sims lol. Eventually I said we made out and I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't have said that? I think they like the fact I tell them so much about my personal life because a) it deals with boys and kissing boys and b) they can laugh at my misfortunes. I told them today I never wanted to get married, unless Zac Efron dumped Vanessa, and they were disappointed. Amanda wants to be my flower girl but when I told her my views about marriage, she said, "Well, if you do decide to get married, can I be a bridesmaid becaue you'll probably be old when you get married." She's such a charmer. But really, these kids are going to be heartbreakers when they get to high school. I guess in today's society, there isn't really much to be bashful about it. I think I'm okay.

Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging

The Georgia Nicholson books are such delightful literary treats that I've been spending my lazy days reading them again. I read the five I have literally in two days when I was in high school because I was sick and confined to my bed. There are 9 in total (Gossip Girl all over again) and I'm re-reading them so I can catch up (and if you're wondering, yes, the new books are on my birthday list -_-).

I don't start work until Wednesday afternoon and I never thought I'd say this but I can't wait to go back. For starters, it's a new environment with new people to meet and even though I don't think they'll amount to my W-B co-workers, I'm sure I'll find someone to get along with. I just don't want to complain to myself how bored I am and how I shouldn't be laying around, doing nothing all day. I need to be productive because all I've been doing is acting like a sullen teenager, reading books cover to cover in a short amount of time. Which, might I add, someone misplaced (that someone most likely me) the 3rd and 4th books of the Jessica Darling series and I'm distraught. I know they were among my book collection my first year at King's and now, yo no se. Anyway, tomorrow I babysit my favorite kids again and then hopefully some late night shenangins with alec. OOOh, and I'm also getting a pedicure. Yay me!

Happily Never After?

Have you ever watched a movie, a tear-jerking movie, that just made you want to curl in the fetal position and spend the rest of your day/night in bed, stuffing fistfuls of milk chocolate Hershey kisses, in between sobs? For me, it's Armageddon, Titanic and now, Ghosts of Girlfriend Past - my mother's choice.

I know, the title makes it sound like a comedy, not a tear-jerker but trust me, do not be fooled. Although it was comedic at times, the overall message brought me to tears. Of course, it had to do with love (what else would make me blubber like a child?) and how if you're not careful, sometimes we can make the biggest mistakes and take the most important people for granted. Fate isn't always so kind and doesn't always bring us back to that path or person to realize this and right our wrongs. There is no Michael Douglass or ex-girlfriends (in my case, boyfrienD) to break through our (or my) tenacity to warn me, that if I keep on the path I'm going, I'll wind up a lonely spinster and only have one person at my funeral. Unfortunately, I am left alone and without guidance (apart from friends and family) to make my own love mistakes. The idea of winding up alone, never finding someone else to really care about, and never getting married (not that I want to but the option for me to refuse would be nice) scares me shitless. The upside is that after $10.25, a bag of popcorn and a monster diet coke, my mother seemed to enjoy herself and today, that's all that matters. Still, so many thoughts are running in my head and I've never been so terrified of being single, now and or indefinitely.

Last Day of Lazy Freedom

I've been confined to my bed all afternoon: no car and no motivation to walk anywhere. I also refuse to ask my mom to borrow her car because she has been spitting off feisty behavior before I even woke up, or she knew I was awake. She drove my sister to work, went grocery shopping and return to find me in my bed, reading, and in response to this, she turns on the radio, loud enough the Latino beats are bouncing off the pages of my book.

If it isn't obvious, I'm in a bad mood. There isn't any food of substance to eat in my house and I hardly have the funds to order anything and since my car is useless, I don't have transportation either. I was staring into my soggy bowl of special K this morning, actually afternoon, and just knew today was going to be lame. The only upside is tonight I have an opportunity not only to make some sweet cash, but to hang with my two favorite munchkins on the planet :) I'm babysitting at 6 and until then, I'll probably stay in my bed unless I muster the strength and balls to ask my mom to drive to the gym for what could be a way to salvage my day. One thing I'll need is my glasses because this morning I took out my contacts, contacts that I've been wearing for X amount of days and I literally peeled them off my eyeballs. I was walking to the kitchen and I was shocked at how AWFUL my vision is. I have permanent beer goggles.

Despite all that, today is the last day I have to do absolutely nothing. Tomorrow is orientation for the new Red Robin and then I'll have something to do with my time other than read or complain.

Notso Darling Moment

The title of this entry can be attributed to the fact I've been drowing myself in the Jessica Darling series. I'm re-reading them and re-falling in love with the characters but that's besides the point. Tonight was an epic fail. For a couple weeks, my friend and I have had plans for me to visit her at school for their three day late Cinco de Drinko party. It was going to be all kinds of intoxicated fun, not to mention I was going to be with my g.f Ally but what do you know, as I am in route to get the chasers for our bacardi, my car decides to decelerate all by its self. I luckily forced all 900 tons of my ancient automobile to a parking lot infront of the Kendall Park post office. I had to con triple A to send a tow truck for free because I maxed out all my free calls, only to have my mom tell me afterwards she wouldn't a) lend me her car and b) take me to the train station. So naturally, I was bummed out and I was pouting. Yet, leave it to my mother to make it about herself and act like she's the victim and her daughters are assholes. She's currently in her room, door shut which means no visitors.

Here's what bothers me: I'm 19 years old and as a teenager, it's in my nature to pout when things don't go my way. Why am I being deprived of my only privilege? Why is she making me feel like a brat when I have every right to be a little less than happy? She is making me feel bad about HER and HER mood when my misery had nothing to do with her, per say. It's making me think about how much of my time I spend complaining and how much I pout when things don't go my way. Is blaming it on my teenage youth a valid excuse? I was collecting my thoughts on the way home from dinner tonight (the subsitute to my Drexel fiesta) and thought of all the times I got upset because things didn't work out. Okay, actually, the only example that sticks out is when I was in 8th grade, I was supposed to go to one of the dances when my aunt died. I cried the whole night, not because of my aunt, but because I missed a chance to go to a school dance with a boy who had a unibrow and later grew up to discover a weight room and walk around like he owned the halls of SBHS. No names are necessary. I just don't understand why my mom can't wave off my raging emotions without making me feel even worse because she parades around like her feelings are hurt. Am I just too self-absorbed to see that I'm an asshole or what?

Hallelujah

I am officially done with Shakespeare. I was a little delayed on finishing my final essays, but nevertheless, I did them and am now free to enjoy my summer with no academic worries. Unless I fail the final papers, but I'll deal with those emotions if and when they come later on.

So I wanted to write this last night but it was late and I got distracted by other things. I had a nice, long conversation with my good friend Sara about ex-boyfriends, because yes, I'm still stuck on mine. Not so much as stuck, just aggravated at the fact I have no say in anything. He thinks he can call the shots and my best guy friend said to me, "You're just mad he isn't YOUR friend and you aren't HIS friend." Sadly, this is true. I've had so many opportunities to cut him out of my life but still, I stayed. We haven't talked in the past few weeks and if you knew why, you would laugh at how completely and utterly absurd the reason is. He has the temper of a 5 year-old and he's supposed to be 22. I was cleaning my room the other day and found the lid of a box that was once my "Boyfriend box" and it had anything that reminded me of him or letters he'd written me. The box and its contents have since been destroyed but looking at this lid made me sad. How did we get to this point? Where exactly did we go wrong? As much as I say I'm past it and I've moved on, I'm not because I still have so many questions. I still want to know and explain so many things but these things will fall on deaf ears. He could never take me seriously enough to answer my questions which is just one of the many red flags in our so called friendship. I wonder if you ever leave your first love alone. I'm bummed but then I remind myself who is better off: I am. It's obnoxious to think I have a better life than him, but in reality, I do. I make my own money, I have friends and a life away from the computer, and I have a promising future. I have goals and aspirations and as true as this all is, why do I still feel so empty?