I think therefore I am.

Tonight, I had my night class, Ethics, which has, so far, been a three hour discussion on morality and my teacher contributing lame jokes. However, tonight's class stimulated my mind and since I seem to never participate in any of my classes, I'll do so here.

We were discussing a case discussed in the first chapter of our book. There was a baby, baby Theresa, who was born without a brain. I can't correctly spell her condition but all she had was a brain stem, nothing else. Babies with her condition die after two weeks and in this particular case, the parents wanted to donate her organs to other babies in need. Yet, the law of Florida says organ transplants can not begin until after the person in question is dead, and has died naturally. If they were to remove baby Theresa's organs, she would have died instantly. When she finally did die, her organs had deteriorated and were no longer useful. The discussion was should they have donated her organs while she was alive? After listening to everyone's opinion, I have decided that no, baby Theresa should have gone untouched until after her death. Parents are responsible for making decisions, vital and crucial decisons when it comes to their child. If my child were born essentially brain dead, I would be heartbroken. While I see how my baby's organs could save other infants, it is still MY baby. She/he may not know that, but I do. It is a life I've created and while there is a chance her organs can save others, they can also be rejected. By choosing to have a baby, you choose to give it a chance to live, no matter how short that life may be. Organ transplants are great things but only after the person donating has died naturally, as it is their right to do so, whether they know it or not.

I don't know if it's the class or what but on the drive home, I didn't feel quite right. Although this is in no relation to the topics discussed in class, I just started to think about my life and where I'm at right now. I have a job that pays well, family and friends that love me, and a promising fall semester, as well as future. Still, a part of me feels insignifcant, that everything I am doing and caring about is amounting to nothing. I'm college educated and don't feel intelligent. The idea of not feeling is not new to me. Often, I've felt numb to so many situations. While I was dating my boyfriend, there were times I didn't care if he said he loved me or if he were going to break up with me. How do I know I'm in love? How do I know I'm happy or sad? It scares me to think I don't ever feel, which is silly, because I've cried and gotten worked up over so many things. What I'm getting at is that I don't feel enough things as intensely as I'd like. But why do I need obvious indicatons that tell me "YOU ARE IN LOVE!" or "YOU ARE SO HAPPY!"? Even with James Bond - I am attracted to and flirt with so many boys (I've often suggested I need rehab for this unheard of "condition") that I'm unsure of what I'm supposed to feel from someone I know I genuinely like, not just want to fool around with for a night or two. I AM sure of how he makes me feel, but are these just general reactions from someone who is attractive and isn't an asshole? I have all of this doubt and wonder if I'm going about him, or anything for that matter, in the right way. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to working with him but why am I getting so worked up? Do I really think anything will become of this? How can I be so crazy in like with someone and I've barely talked to them? I'm so desperate to feel, so desperate to find someone to share my life with in a way different from my family and friends. This might not make any sense but I'm in this really weird funk that my life is just going on without me and I'm not doing all I can to really live it. I wonder if I'm meeting the right people, making the right friends. Do I challenge myself enough? Am I too mainstream and not originial enough? All of this is making me want to cry, a good, healthy cry for all that is and for all that is to come. Maybe one day I'll be able to describe or explain this better but for now, all I can do is extend a sarcastic thank you to my Ethics class, so thank you, Ethics class for plaguing my mind with questions I will not be able to answer.