Kate Voegele <3
This weekend has been a doozy on my emotions. Thursday & Friday seemed promising, as I went to go see No Doubt & Paramore at the Susquehanna Bank Center and then Friday went to Abyss. However, when Saturday came, not only was I hungover, but unavoidably hours away from my dad's wedding. I chose to skip the ceremony and only attend the reception - something for him, something for me. I put on a dress, did my make up and showed up with my friend in time to greet and make small talk with family I haven't seen in years. I said hello to my dad and sat at my table, immediately inquiring if there was an open bar. I got served until my father made a point to ban ONLY ME from getting any alcohol, so then my friend did the dirty work and supplied us. Here is a brief shout out to those who put their time and effort into making Yuengling a possible beverage choice for Americans. It is by far the tastiest beer I've had to date (keeping in mind I haven't gotten around to a majority of them). I'll just say the taste made it easy to get through a few bottles, almost too easy especially since I was driving home. I will admit that as I sat at the table, I turned my back to the celebratory dances and photo ops and ran my mouth to those sitting around me. Mind you, it was my sister and her friends so it wasn't a problem. The problem came when my father, after my departure of course, told my sister he thought I was rude and if I was going to behave the way I did, I should have never came. WELL if I was "so rude", why didn't you ask me to leave? And we didn't exhange enough words for me to even be a hint of rude so where he is getting that from, I'm not sure. What hurt me the most is tonight when I came home from dinner, talking about it to my sister (who is in the bridal party) and she decides to say I made her uncomfortable. I made HER uncomfortable: my sister, who was not only in the bridal party but also had her 2 friends in attendance who were also spending the night at my father's house, and getting friendly with my dad's step-sons and their friends. Things got loud and I came to my room only for me to cry and push away my dinner. My oldest sister came to talk to me, left, and when she got to the kitchen, her and my younger sister had it out. She defended me but it made me upset because this woman who destroyed my parents, their relationship, has also destroyed the relationship with my sisters. Amanda is young but that excuse can only be valid for so long. While I could have kept more of my personal thoughts to myself, it was what kept me together. If I couldn't be sarcastic, then I would be a train wreck. It was bad enough when I saw my relatives from Florida I wanted to bawl but I kept it together. I have the Yuengling and best friend to thank for that.
I want all of this to be over. I'm tired of my dad acting like a teenager, never sticking up for me and making excuses for his wife. After an incident at his house a few weeks ago, an incident I never received an apology far, I am painfully reminded of the woman she really is and how she will never, EVER compare to my mother and the fact my father remarried to HER is a tragedy. I've cried so much and just when I think I can't anymore, a wave of fresh tears fall down my face. It's official: every relationship I've had with a male in my life has failed and left me broken and bruised. I need to find someone who can pick me up and remind me that there are men worth loving, believing. Where are you, fictitious dream boy?
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Stress Stress Stress
I'm exhausted. A recap of this awful day:
1) I so kindly picked up a shift today for a girl who couldn't come in. All was well until I got a party of 8 and they wanted to eat, dine, and pay all before 130. They gave me their order at 1:05, it was punched in at 1:07. Why they didn't go stuff their faces at Chick-Fil-A is beyond me but we'll overlook that. I told the kitchen I NEEDED the order before 1:30 and somehow he thought I said to WAIT. WHY WOULD I SAY TO WAIT? So when one woman so snottily demanded her food, I went over to the kitchen and this is the moment where my good day unraveled, glacially than significantly. I needed a manager and he asked what was going on, the kitchen said their half and I mine, and the servers (namely just one asshole) started running their mouth about "The rule is after 10 minutes, get a manager!" So my manager went over to the table and apologized, said they were putting in a rush order and lunch was on him. A nice, 80 dollar lunch that would have probably gotten me a 10 dollar tip. Bastards. After it was all over, I got a good talking to and before he even opened his mouth, I bawled. I felt awful and knew I was starring in the "Guess who fucked up today!" story for the night shift. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I eventually pulled myself together and had two tables to finish taking care of and one look at me, they probably thought I went into the back to get high.
2) On my way home from work, my drive of shame, I pull up to my house to find an unfamiliar car in my driveway. It was an infiniti and I knew it didn't belong to anyone I knew. I walked inside and quickly found its owner, entwined with my youngest sister. The most horrifying fact: she was using my Ariel blanket. When I get the chance, I'm throwing it away.
3) I had my first test in my summer class and I got a D. A freakin D - the letter grade I would give my life.
4) "Service Engine Soon" lit up in my car and as I was making turns, the vehicle began to sputter. I'm almost positive this Buick was created in the darkest pits of my nightmares. I had all sorts of plans for tomorrow but now I'm petrified I'll get stuck on the highway, either safely out or very much in harms way. Which, at this point, would not be so bad. I was going to get my nails done & my blackberry tomorrow but NOT NOW. The No Doubt/Paramore concert is Thursday and if I don't have transportation, I'll die.
MOTHER &%^*%*.
I feel more tears coming on.
1) I so kindly picked up a shift today for a girl who couldn't come in. All was well until I got a party of 8 and they wanted to eat, dine, and pay all before 130. They gave me their order at 1:05, it was punched in at 1:07. Why they didn't go stuff their faces at Chick-Fil-A is beyond me but we'll overlook that. I told the kitchen I NEEDED the order before 1:30 and somehow he thought I said to WAIT. WHY WOULD I SAY TO WAIT? So when one woman so snottily demanded her food, I went over to the kitchen and this is the moment where my good day unraveled, glacially than significantly. I needed a manager and he asked what was going on, the kitchen said their half and I mine, and the servers (namely just one asshole) started running their mouth about "The rule is after 10 minutes, get a manager!" So my manager went over to the table and apologized, said they were putting in a rush order and lunch was on him. A nice, 80 dollar lunch that would have probably gotten me a 10 dollar tip. Bastards. After it was all over, I got a good talking to and before he even opened his mouth, I bawled. I felt awful and knew I was starring in the "Guess who fucked up today!" story for the night shift. Once I started, I couldn't stop. I eventually pulled myself together and had two tables to finish taking care of and one look at me, they probably thought I went into the back to get high.
2) On my way home from work, my drive of shame, I pull up to my house to find an unfamiliar car in my driveway. It was an infiniti and I knew it didn't belong to anyone I knew. I walked inside and quickly found its owner, entwined with my youngest sister. The most horrifying fact: she was using my Ariel blanket. When I get the chance, I'm throwing it away.
3) I had my first test in my summer class and I got a D. A freakin D - the letter grade I would give my life.
4) "Service Engine Soon" lit up in my car and as I was making turns, the vehicle began to sputter. I'm almost positive this Buick was created in the darkest pits of my nightmares. I had all sorts of plans for tomorrow but now I'm petrified I'll get stuck on the highway, either safely out or very much in harms way. Which, at this point, would not be so bad. I was going to get my nails done & my blackberry tomorrow but NOT NOW. The No Doubt/Paramore concert is Thursday and if I don't have transportation, I'll die.
MOTHER &%^*%*.
I feel more tears coming on.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Fork You!
So yesterday when I said I got crabby, I had a chance to turn things around today because I worked with Bond again. We seemed to have settle our differences and he continued to "fork me." He does it on the sly that when I left for the night, I had to come back in because I had two forks in my bag. Like, really? How did I miss that? The next time I see him, he's going to get it.
I should be studying for my ethics test tomorrow night since I picked up an a.m shift but I don't want to and frankly, I'm sort of pissed off. I'll own up that when I'm home and don't have work in the morning, I sleep until 2. I'm a waste of space, I know, and so I don't always tidy up the house the best I should or clean my dishes. So when my oldest sister and mother get home, I get scolded. What I hate is when I get yelled at for not doing anything in the morning but my sister doesn't after being home all afternoon. This just happened and I know it's bad but the attitude is annoying and she threw some concerning news in my face to remind me to get my act together and that was rude. I'm pissed off, again, and am slowly developing a headache. Another reason for my sour mood is that I may be getting the Storm on Wednesday as my birthday present from my dad but we'll see. I really want a blackberry and my mom isn't happy about it. She says I don't pay for my bill which is dumb because I'm making the money. I've only spent my funds on food and gas, nothing indulgent like clothes that I desperately need. She is so lax about it and then I get a lecture as if I voluntarily say to not take the full amount for the month. I know this frustration is misplaced, as it is in every case a daughter gets mad at her mother and oldest sister/guardian, but whatever. Tonigt I just don't care.
I should be studying for my ethics test tomorrow night since I picked up an a.m shift but I don't want to and frankly, I'm sort of pissed off. I'll own up that when I'm home and don't have work in the morning, I sleep until 2. I'm a waste of space, I know, and so I don't always tidy up the house the best I should or clean my dishes. So when my oldest sister and mother get home, I get scolded. What I hate is when I get yelled at for not doing anything in the morning but my sister doesn't after being home all afternoon. This just happened and I know it's bad but the attitude is annoying and she threw some concerning news in my face to remind me to get my act together and that was rude. I'm pissed off, again, and am slowly developing a headache. Another reason for my sour mood is that I may be getting the Storm on Wednesday as my birthday present from my dad but we'll see. I really want a blackberry and my mom isn't happy about it. She says I don't pay for my bill which is dumb because I'm making the money. I've only spent my funds on food and gas, nothing indulgent like clothes that I desperately need. She is so lax about it and then I get a lecture as if I voluntarily say to not take the full amount for the month. I know this frustration is misplaced, as it is in every case a daughter gets mad at her mother and oldest sister/guardian, but whatever. Tonigt I just don't care.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Bowls of Candy and PMS
This past weekend was insane in terms of working at the Bird aka Red Robin. Saturday and tonight I left well after closing time and raked in some sweet cash. I'm making a list of things I may want to buy by the end of the summer and on it is a Macbook and blackberry of some sort. We'll see. I have nothing of significance to blog about but does it ever need to be? I've been acting like a child and avoided the internet because I let my ex-boyfriend get under my skin. Even now, being on AIM for the first time in a few days, I just want to rage and list off every thing I don't like about him but he's the kind who can dish but can't take it. Maybe I'll make a list here:
1) You are selfish.
2) You constantly complain about the dumbest things like your mother getting on your case about cleaning the dishes. You're 23 and don't pay rent - shut your mouth and do them.
3) You rely on your dad's money and have no sense of independence.
4) You have one friend who is a complete jerk and several e-girlfriends that you claim you never talk to but that's crap.
5) You don't know the first thing about being my friend and I'm not sure why you have this invisible, impenetrable hold over me.
6) Your future looks bleak and yet you can still make me feel so small.
Okay. I feel a little better that somewhere my honest opinions exist. As far as the boys go, still single. James Bond got perfectly annoying tonight and it was a classic situation where my emotions ran abnormally high (I'm PMSing real BAD) but we ended with a hug, to which I wanted his bones to melt onto mine and never detach but I calmed myself down. I'm so weird sometimes. He probably thinks I'm stupid and can't take a joke - which I can just sometimes my feelings are really tender lol - but oh well. I have a bowl of starbusts next to me and back to back Law & Order episodes to watch so I'll write again soon.
1) You are selfish.
2) You constantly complain about the dumbest things like your mother getting on your case about cleaning the dishes. You're 23 and don't pay rent - shut your mouth and do them.
3) You rely on your dad's money and have no sense of independence.
4) You have one friend who is a complete jerk and several e-girlfriends that you claim you never talk to but that's crap.
5) You don't know the first thing about being my friend and I'm not sure why you have this invisible, impenetrable hold over me.
6) Your future looks bleak and yet you can still make me feel so small.
Okay. I feel a little better that somewhere my honest opinions exist. As far as the boys go, still single. James Bond got perfectly annoying tonight and it was a classic situation where my emotions ran abnormally high (I'm PMSing real BAD) but we ended with a hug, to which I wanted his bones to melt onto mine and never detach but I calmed myself down. I'm so weird sometimes. He probably thinks I'm stupid and can't take a joke - which I can just sometimes my feelings are really tender lol - but oh well. I have a bowl of starbusts next to me and back to back Law & Order episodes to watch so I'll write again soon.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
New Day - Tamar Kaprelian
The Mets are on high alert for the swine flu. I think the news should stop making it sound like the black plague and obsess over another new but very treatable disease.
Tonight I just want to write. I am more or less upset with my love life, since it is standard for me to have contradicting entries on the topic, and I have empty hershey kiss wrappers and dorito bags to prove it. For the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling like my life and the way I live it is insufficient. I though about self-help books and even looked a few up on the internet. I've bought one that was published in 96, Kitchen Table Wisdom, and so far, it has had a lot to do with illness which for a split second I thought might not be relevant to my life. But since I'm blessed with good health, aside for extra flesh around my middle, how can I not read this story and be thankful? The point of the book is to heal by reading stories of those who have truly suffered, who have felt lost and unsure of their purpose in life. I'm not far into it but I'm already determined to really absorb what's been writtne and let the words sink in to help me appreciate all that is me. I'm so preoccupied with boys and why I can't seem to find something long lasting but why? The more I obsess about it does not mean the situation will get better. It is what it is and I can either make the best of it or pout (or in this case, complain via blog). I just wish this fleeting thought is something I could actually commit to. I want my emotions to be balanced, not erratic. I want to be happy, in every aspect of my life. I can't seem to get there and it's eating away at me. Am I depressed? I think it just goes back to my counselor saying I have the curse of meaning. Sigh.
Tonight I just want to write. I am more or less upset with my love life, since it is standard for me to have contradicting entries on the topic, and I have empty hershey kiss wrappers and dorito bags to prove it. For the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling like my life and the way I live it is insufficient. I though about self-help books and even looked a few up on the internet. I've bought one that was published in 96, Kitchen Table Wisdom, and so far, it has had a lot to do with illness which for a split second I thought might not be relevant to my life. But since I'm blessed with good health, aside for extra flesh around my middle, how can I not read this story and be thankful? The point of the book is to heal by reading stories of those who have truly suffered, who have felt lost and unsure of their purpose in life. I'm not far into it but I'm already determined to really absorb what's been writtne and let the words sink in to help me appreciate all that is me. I'm so preoccupied with boys and why I can't seem to find something long lasting but why? The more I obsess about it does not mean the situation will get better. It is what it is and I can either make the best of it or pout (or in this case, complain via blog). I just wish this fleeting thought is something I could actually commit to. I want my emotions to be balanced, not erratic. I want to be happy, in every aspect of my life. I can't seem to get there and it's eating away at me. Am I depressed? I think it just goes back to my counselor saying I have the curse of meaning. Sigh.
Monday, June 1, 2009
A Fine Mess
The title of this entry so accurately describes my love life but is a tribute to Kate Voegele because I can't get enough of her new cd, A Fine Mess. I'm actually headed for bed in just a bit but my minx side has been hanging about and has sent my mind into a "what am I doing?/ what do I want for myself in terms of boys?" frenzy.
I'll admit here (since the two people who follow me already know), I am a new member of match.com, where you can "find singles at the largest online dating site." I was a little hesitant to join just because the last time I met someone online, I was ridiculed but I feel like today, it's more socially accepted and a friend of mine said she recently signed up so I figured, why not? Online dating has seemed to transition from sleezy MySpace to respectable Match. The first night I was on, taking an extremely and probably unnecessary amount of time to put my profile together, I searched some people, one of whom we have been e-mailing back and forth. Everyday I wake up or come home for work, logging right into my account, and hoping to see another e-mail from him. I am by no means saying this is love, or even like, but this whole process is exciting with omeone actually taking the time to get to know me, not to see if I'll go to bed with them. However, this weekend, I performed a hat trick which I will not go into further detail but let's say I acted in a very single manner and why shouldn't I? I'm still young and am not tied down, which seems awesome, but makes me sad. I'm all for fun and games but fun and games has been my life for a couple years now. I want excitement but new relationship excitement. I'm back to my "I want a boyfriend" stage but who do I want it to be? James Bond is still gorgeous but on hold because I'm afraid I'm not his type. The weekend boys are a no and another boy who has been texting me on and off is good for nothing except getting on my nerves with his antics. There always seem to be boys in my life but not for a long period of time, unless they're my best friends or father, and in the case of my father, he's not always there. What it comes down to is I want to feel special, and not "special" because the boy drinking Keystone decided to come over, put the moves and steal a kiss only later to walk out without me or my number.
I want someone to spend time with, not in a marry me kind of way but in a way I can't with my family and friends (I paraphrased this from my profile, which sounds lame repeating it). Sigh, I need some advil. And dove chocolate.
I'll admit here (since the two people who follow me already know), I am a new member of match.com, where you can "find singles at the largest online dating site." I was a little hesitant to join just because the last time I met someone online, I was ridiculed but I feel like today, it's more socially accepted and a friend of mine said she recently signed up so I figured, why not? Online dating has seemed to transition from sleezy MySpace to respectable Match. The first night I was on, taking an extremely and probably unnecessary amount of time to put my profile together, I searched some people, one of whom we have been e-mailing back and forth. Everyday I wake up or come home for work, logging right into my account, and hoping to see another e-mail from him. I am by no means saying this is love, or even like, but this whole process is exciting with omeone actually taking the time to get to know me, not to see if I'll go to bed with them. However, this weekend, I performed a hat trick which I will not go into further detail but let's say I acted in a very single manner and why shouldn't I? I'm still young and am not tied down, which seems awesome, but makes me sad. I'm all for fun and games but fun and games has been my life for a couple years now. I want excitement but new relationship excitement. I'm back to my "I want a boyfriend" stage but who do I want it to be? James Bond is still gorgeous but on hold because I'm afraid I'm not his type. The weekend boys are a no and another boy who has been texting me on and off is good for nothing except getting on my nerves with his antics. There always seem to be boys in my life but not for a long period of time, unless they're my best friends or father, and in the case of my father, he's not always there. What it comes down to is I want to feel special, and not "special" because the boy drinking Keystone decided to come over, put the moves and steal a kiss only later to walk out without me or my number.
I want someone to spend time with, not in a marry me kind of way but in a way I can't with my family and friends (I paraphrased this from my profile, which sounds lame repeating it). Sigh, I need some advil. And dove chocolate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
