Just for now

I'm starting to think the more I anticipate something, the more letdown I am. Tonight, a Friday night at that, one I should be knocking back cheap beer and laughs with good people, I'm in my room. In the dark. In a gray cami & basketball shorts with what's left of my chinese-for-one takeout on my desk. Yesterday, if you asked me what I planned to do, I would have said I'd be with someone in his apartment, someone I've been trying to figure out, pretending to watch a movie with a possible invitation to sleepover. But, of course, that didn't happen. Here's a brief synopsis: last night I went for a walk with a young man whose relationship to me is questionable. When he invited me to go for the walk, I blushed. I can't remember the last time the blood rushed to my face so quickly, other than almost collapsing on the treadmill. After 3 minutes. Anyway, he invited me over and tonight after worked I was seeing what the deal was. He was "busy" and wouldn't "be too long" so if I wanted to "hang out later." It's midnight and he has practice in the morning. Every minute that goes by makes the idea of seeing each other less and less likely. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I shouldn't be sitting here, listening to Broken by Lifehouse. I'm 20 years old. I'll admit, for my age, I had an unhealthy fascination with dating sites and thinking love was just a click away. If not for nothing, I deserve something consistent. I deserve someone who makes plans and keeps them because now, I've wasted a night and I'm miserable. And I shaved my legs for nothing.