I think therefore I am.

Tonight, I had my night class, Ethics, which has, so far, been a three hour discussion on morality and my teacher contributing lame jokes. However, tonight's class stimulated my mind and since I seem to never participate in any of my classes, I'll do so here.

We were discussing a case discussed in the first chapter of our book. There was a baby, baby Theresa, who was born without a brain. I can't correctly spell her condition but all she had was a brain stem, nothing else. Babies with her condition die after two weeks and in this particular case, the parents wanted to donate her organs to other babies in need. Yet, the law of Florida says organ transplants can not begin until after the person in question is dead, and has died naturally. If they were to remove baby Theresa's organs, she would have died instantly. When she finally did die, her organs had deteriorated and were no longer useful. The discussion was should they have donated her organs while she was alive? After listening to everyone's opinion, I have decided that no, baby Theresa should have gone untouched until after her death. Parents are responsible for making decisions, vital and crucial decisons when it comes to their child. If my child were born essentially brain dead, I would be heartbroken. While I see how my baby's organs could save other infants, it is still MY baby. She/he may not know that, but I do. It is a life I've created and while there is a chance her organs can save others, they can also be rejected. By choosing to have a baby, you choose to give it a chance to live, no matter how short that life may be. Organ transplants are great things but only after the person donating has died naturally, as it is their right to do so, whether they know it or not.

I don't know if it's the class or what but on the drive home, I didn't feel quite right. Although this is in no relation to the topics discussed in class, I just started to think about my life and where I'm at right now. I have a job that pays well, family and friends that love me, and a promising fall semester, as well as future. Still, a part of me feels insignifcant, that everything I am doing and caring about is amounting to nothing. I'm college educated and don't feel intelligent. The idea of not feeling is not new to me. Often, I've felt numb to so many situations. While I was dating my boyfriend, there were times I didn't care if he said he loved me or if he were going to break up with me. How do I know I'm in love? How do I know I'm happy or sad? It scares me to think I don't ever feel, which is silly, because I've cried and gotten worked up over so many things. What I'm getting at is that I don't feel enough things as intensely as I'd like. But why do I need obvious indicatons that tell me "YOU ARE IN LOVE!" or "YOU ARE SO HAPPY!"? Even with James Bond - I am attracted to and flirt with so many boys (I've often suggested I need rehab for this unheard of "condition") that I'm unsure of what I'm supposed to feel from someone I know I genuinely like, not just want to fool around with for a night or two. I AM sure of how he makes me feel, but are these just general reactions from someone who is attractive and isn't an asshole? I have all of this doubt and wonder if I'm going about him, or anything for that matter, in the right way. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to working with him but why am I getting so worked up? Do I really think anything will become of this? How can I be so crazy in like with someone and I've barely talked to them? I'm so desperate to feel, so desperate to find someone to share my life with in a way different from my family and friends. This might not make any sense but I'm in this really weird funk that my life is just going on without me and I'm not doing all I can to really live it. I wonder if I'm meeting the right people, making the right friends. Do I challenge myself enough? Am I too mainstream and not originial enough? All of this is making me want to cry, a good, healthy cry for all that is and for all that is to come. Maybe one day I'll be able to describe or explain this better but for now, all I can do is extend a sarcastic thank you to my Ethics class, so thank you, Ethics class for plaguing my mind with questions I will not be able to answer.

Call me Mrs. Bond, Mrs. James Bond

Hello, blogworld.

Memorial Day weekend has come and gone. It was equipped with double shifts at Red Robin, my birthday bbq which featured an appropriate amount of Little Mermaid paraphenilia (i.e, table cloths, balloons, and candle) and a keg. I WISH I was joking about that last one. Over all, it was good times. Tonight I was back to work and the man I am currently smitten with was also working. I'm trying to think of a clever nick name.. maybe like James Bond. It's his initials flipped, but of course I will not reveal his real name to. When it comes to him, in reference to Georgia Nicholson, "the Sex God has landed" and when he looks at me, talks to me, passes me a tray and/or napkin.. my knees go all "jelloid." Perfect may seem cliche but it's a very appropriate adjective to describe him. All of my descriptions are juvenille but it's to a point that if I'm typing an order into the computer and he comes by me and starts talking, I get all flustered and forget what to do so I mess up the order. I actually admitted that to him today. He must think I'm crazy. OH, but I am, crazy in like with him. We work together again on Wednesday and I'm hoping to advance the friendship. How I plan to do this? I'm not sure. One thing for sure is I am definitely anxious to see how our interaction evolves in the workplace..and maybe even outside ;] but I won't hold my breath.

I'm Stuffed

Status on my sunburn: Still hurts. A lot. A lot a lot.

I've been working all day, serving barbeque burgers and limeades. I made decent money for a Friday night but the best news I have to share is that I have met a beautiful man. I hadn't worked with him before tonight, was unaware of his existence, until fate (or my managers) finally scheduled us together. ACTUALLY I wasn't supposed to work tonight but I picked up a shift for a friend. Thank god I did. This individual's beauty is literally staggering and he is an '09 TCNJ grad. Smart, handsome, AND EDUCATED. I hit the jackpot. Unfortunately, word is he doesn't date people he works with which is ust another reason to love him: he values privacy and dislikes gossip. Sigh. Anytime he talked to me, I had to tell someone: "OH MY GOD. SO AND SO JUST TALKED TO ME." You don't get more juvenille than that. He put his hand on my back and I thought I was going to (insert dramatic action here..too tired to think.) We're working together on Monday and I'm looking forward to it.

Reverting back to my Georgia Nicholson obsession, I believe I have what she describes as "red bottomosity" and that I have the "cosmic horn." These terms literally mean I am a) boy crazy and b) like all kinds of boys. It's funny how a fictional character's life and goofy vocab can actually be applicable, as well as accurate, to my life.

I'm Not Your Angel, Darlin

Good morning, blog.

I have to say, all my effort and love have been channeled into Facebook, of course, and Twitter. I've finally figured out a user name and now i'm hooked. It's 6 in the morning and I'm awake because my sister just threw it down verbally with her boyfriend. I was going to get up anyway because I'm going to the beach today! And by myself, at that. I should probably save the gas but it's going to be sooo nice and to be honest, I'm looking forward to a day, alone, with just me, the waves, and a nice book. Also, I'll be able to tan!

Anyway, I haven't had the time to blog and felt like now would be a good opportunity. Since I've last written, I have been faced with a lot of boy...complications. The only reason they have become complicatios is because I'm not sure what I want. I don't know if I'm still looking for a relationship or if I'm content with how my life is now. My ex boyfriend is talking to me again, and not talking nonsense either. We had a serious convo the other night about "us" and it's obvious we both, in our way, still like each other and want to be dating. When I told my friend about this, she asked what was going to happen and honestly, nothing. He is still so far away and neither of us have the means to see each other anytime soon, even though I have been working my ass off at Red Robin. This weekened I picked up two shifts so I'll be a double Friday & Saturday ($$$,hopefully). But the point is, it doesn't matter what we feel. We literally can not do anything about and it does make me sad to think I might never see him again. Were he and I supposed to fall apart, experience other people and kinds of relationships, just for us to later fall back together? Is it time for us to try again? Is he the reason why I haven't had any luck finding something stable with another boy? I'm at a point where I would like to let someone in, but who and when are two questions I'm asking myself. I'd just like to wake up and have all these complications sorted out for me. I'd also like a six pack and calves to kill but I won't push my luck.

P.S - A Fine Mess by Kate Voegele came out Monday. Pick it up, it's amazing.
P.S.S - My birthday is in a week (:

Why Am I Awake?

Last night, my sister and I went to a lounge called Diva's in North Jersey. We went last week and the promoter was able to get me in and we had a good time. This time, my cousin and my sister's good friend Monica came along with us. Tony Sunshine - a quasi-rapper - was there and it was a lot of fun. But, we got home at 3 this morning and I'm already awake. Like WIDE freaking awake and I'm watching Carrie. WTF?

So, a few entries ago, I said scandalous stephanie was taking a long vacation. Wait, I might have just tweeted that but whatever. The point is, she stopped in at Diva's last night. My life is out of control.

Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.

Thoughts on my new job: there are some weird, angry people in the world. However, on the up side, I did win some people over and they seem like they'll be fun to work with. Everyone has sympathy for me which is great to play on when I make mistakes, which of course, I did.

Before I got home last night, I took a detour and went to visit my friend Steve. Steve and I didn't actually become friends until we graduated which is sad because we had two classes that year. Our friendship is really weird, sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. Most of the time he's acting like a jerk so we never hang out but it was nice to see him. He had surgery on his shoulder and I felt bad for the cripple. I think he liked having a chance to show off his scars. Guys like to look tough, don't they?

When I got home, I watched a Kat Williams DVD with my sister and it was ha-larious. BUT then I went to bed and had an awful dream. It was about a friend of mine from grade school and she admitted to talking to my ex boyfriend, who confided in HER that he "had enough of me." Cue the tears. For the duration of my REM cycle, I was crying because he didn't tell me directly and would talk to her, not me. What made it worse was that I woke up and was so out of it, I thought it was real! I was depressed for 5 minutes before I realized it was a dream. Even in my dreams, I'm hyper-sensitive. My former b.f and I are still not talking but I know he isn't talking about me to anyone. He doesn't care that much which is just a reminder of why I shouldn't waste any of my time on him. uGH so why can't I think about anything else?

I'm hopeless. But here are things to look forward to:
Kate Voegele
Birthday!!
No Doubt/Paramore
Fall internship at the WEEKENDER :)

I'm working on Clara for a celebratory bbq but it's not working. Well then, this has been a succesfully pointless blog. Oh welllllllll.

Are There Rules to Babysitting?

For a greater portion of my day, I spent it with two of the best kids ever. Amanda is 11 and Justin is 9 and our conversations usually span from the Jonas Brothers to World of War Craft but today, we had a slighlty adult conversation. Justin had asked if I ever kissed a boy, to which I replied yes, and then they hit me with this: "What kind of kiss was it?"

I didn't know how to describe it to them in a way that would be appropriate. They were asking me about one boy who I told them I occassionaly see, especially now that it's summer. Amanda asked why we weren't dating and said I could tell her what kind of kissing we do since she plays the Sims lol. Eventually I said we made out and I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't have said that? I think they like the fact I tell them so much about my personal life because a) it deals with boys and kissing boys and b) they can laugh at my misfortunes. I told them today I never wanted to get married, unless Zac Efron dumped Vanessa, and they were disappointed. Amanda wants to be my flower girl but when I told her my views about marriage, she said, "Well, if you do decide to get married, can I be a bridesmaid becaue you'll probably be old when you get married." She's such a charmer. But really, these kids are going to be heartbreakers when they get to high school. I guess in today's society, there isn't really much to be bashful about it. I think I'm okay.

Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging

The Georgia Nicholson books are such delightful literary treats that I've been spending my lazy days reading them again. I read the five I have literally in two days when I was in high school because I was sick and confined to my bed. There are 9 in total (Gossip Girl all over again) and I'm re-reading them so I can catch up (and if you're wondering, yes, the new books are on my birthday list -_-).

I don't start work until Wednesday afternoon and I never thought I'd say this but I can't wait to go back. For starters, it's a new environment with new people to meet and even though I don't think they'll amount to my W-B co-workers, I'm sure I'll find someone to get along with. I just don't want to complain to myself how bored I am and how I shouldn't be laying around, doing nothing all day. I need to be productive because all I've been doing is acting like a sullen teenager, reading books cover to cover in a short amount of time. Which, might I add, someone misplaced (that someone most likely me) the 3rd and 4th books of the Jessica Darling series and I'm distraught. I know they were among my book collection my first year at King's and now, yo no se. Anyway, tomorrow I babysit my favorite kids again and then hopefully some late night shenangins with alec. OOOh, and I'm also getting a pedicure. Yay me!

Happily Never After?

Have you ever watched a movie, a tear-jerking movie, that just made you want to curl in the fetal position and spend the rest of your day/night in bed, stuffing fistfuls of milk chocolate Hershey kisses, in between sobs? For me, it's Armageddon, Titanic and now, Ghosts of Girlfriend Past - my mother's choice.

I know, the title makes it sound like a comedy, not a tear-jerker but trust me, do not be fooled. Although it was comedic at times, the overall message brought me to tears. Of course, it had to do with love (what else would make me blubber like a child?) and how if you're not careful, sometimes we can make the biggest mistakes and take the most important people for granted. Fate isn't always so kind and doesn't always bring us back to that path or person to realize this and right our wrongs. There is no Michael Douglass or ex-girlfriends (in my case, boyfrienD) to break through our (or my) tenacity to warn me, that if I keep on the path I'm going, I'll wind up a lonely spinster and only have one person at my funeral. Unfortunately, I am left alone and without guidance (apart from friends and family) to make my own love mistakes. The idea of winding up alone, never finding someone else to really care about, and never getting married (not that I want to but the option for me to refuse would be nice) scares me shitless. The upside is that after $10.25, a bag of popcorn and a monster diet coke, my mother seemed to enjoy herself and today, that's all that matters. Still, so many thoughts are running in my head and I've never been so terrified of being single, now and or indefinitely.

Last Day of Lazy Freedom

I've been confined to my bed all afternoon: no car and no motivation to walk anywhere. I also refuse to ask my mom to borrow her car because she has been spitting off feisty behavior before I even woke up, or she knew I was awake. She drove my sister to work, went grocery shopping and return to find me in my bed, reading, and in response to this, she turns on the radio, loud enough the Latino beats are bouncing off the pages of my book.

If it isn't obvious, I'm in a bad mood. There isn't any food of substance to eat in my house and I hardly have the funds to order anything and since my car is useless, I don't have transportation either. I was staring into my soggy bowl of special K this morning, actually afternoon, and just knew today was going to be lame. The only upside is tonight I have an opportunity not only to make some sweet cash, but to hang with my two favorite munchkins on the planet :) I'm babysitting at 6 and until then, I'll probably stay in my bed unless I muster the strength and balls to ask my mom to drive to the gym for what could be a way to salvage my day. One thing I'll need is my glasses because this morning I took out my contacts, contacts that I've been wearing for X amount of days and I literally peeled them off my eyeballs. I was walking to the kitchen and I was shocked at how AWFUL my vision is. I have permanent beer goggles.

Despite all that, today is the last day I have to do absolutely nothing. Tomorrow is orientation for the new Red Robin and then I'll have something to do with my time other than read or complain.

Notso Darling Moment

The title of this entry can be attributed to the fact I've been drowing myself in the Jessica Darling series. I'm re-reading them and re-falling in love with the characters but that's besides the point. Tonight was an epic fail. For a couple weeks, my friend and I have had plans for me to visit her at school for their three day late Cinco de Drinko party. It was going to be all kinds of intoxicated fun, not to mention I was going to be with my g.f Ally but what do you know, as I am in route to get the chasers for our bacardi, my car decides to decelerate all by its self. I luckily forced all 900 tons of my ancient automobile to a parking lot infront of the Kendall Park post office. I had to con triple A to send a tow truck for free because I maxed out all my free calls, only to have my mom tell me afterwards she wouldn't a) lend me her car and b) take me to the train station. So naturally, I was bummed out and I was pouting. Yet, leave it to my mother to make it about herself and act like she's the victim and her daughters are assholes. She's currently in her room, door shut which means no visitors.

Here's what bothers me: I'm 19 years old and as a teenager, it's in my nature to pout when things don't go my way. Why am I being deprived of my only privilege? Why is she making me feel like a brat when I have every right to be a little less than happy? She is making me feel bad about HER and HER mood when my misery had nothing to do with her, per say. It's making me think about how much of my time I spend complaining and how much I pout when things don't go my way. Is blaming it on my teenage youth a valid excuse? I was collecting my thoughts on the way home from dinner tonight (the subsitute to my Drexel fiesta) and thought of all the times I got upset because things didn't work out. Okay, actually, the only example that sticks out is when I was in 8th grade, I was supposed to go to one of the dances when my aunt died. I cried the whole night, not because of my aunt, but because I missed a chance to go to a school dance with a boy who had a unibrow and later grew up to discover a weight room and walk around like he owned the halls of SBHS. No names are necessary. I just don't understand why my mom can't wave off my raging emotions without making me feel even worse because she parades around like her feelings are hurt. Am I just too self-absorbed to see that I'm an asshole or what?

Hallelujah

I am officially done with Shakespeare. I was a little delayed on finishing my final essays, but nevertheless, I did them and am now free to enjoy my summer with no academic worries. Unless I fail the final papers, but I'll deal with those emotions if and when they come later on.

So I wanted to write this last night but it was late and I got distracted by other things. I had a nice, long conversation with my good friend Sara about ex-boyfriends, because yes, I'm still stuck on mine. Not so much as stuck, just aggravated at the fact I have no say in anything. He thinks he can call the shots and my best guy friend said to me, "You're just mad he isn't YOUR friend and you aren't HIS friend." Sadly, this is true. I've had so many opportunities to cut him out of my life but still, I stayed. We haven't talked in the past few weeks and if you knew why, you would laugh at how completely and utterly absurd the reason is. He has the temper of a 5 year-old and he's supposed to be 22. I was cleaning my room the other day and found the lid of a box that was once my "Boyfriend box" and it had anything that reminded me of him or letters he'd written me. The box and its contents have since been destroyed but looking at this lid made me sad. How did we get to this point? Where exactly did we go wrong? As much as I say I'm past it and I've moved on, I'm not because I still have so many questions. I still want to know and explain so many things but these things will fall on deaf ears. He could never take me seriously enough to answer my questions which is just one of the many red flags in our so called friendship. I wonder if you ever leave your first love alone. I'm bummed but then I remind myself who is better off: I am. It's obnoxious to think I have a better life than him, but in reality, I do. I make my own money, I have friends and a life away from the computer, and I have a promising future. I have goals and aspirations and as true as this all is, why do I still feel so empty?

Weight Watcher Desserts Are The Devil

With summer around the corner, I'm trying to step up my work-out game and tone up my arms and legs. I came home to find the house stocked with the right food: rice cakes, special k cereal & bars, yogurt, skim milk (etc). There is also a box of the Weight Watchers cakes, 1 pt each. Do you have any idea how many of those suckers I stuffed in my mouth between yesterday and today? It doesn't matter that they're 1 point, I can't stop at one! I have to eat them 6 at a time and you're thinking, "Oh, this isn't bad. It's only 1 pt." YEAH, NOT IF YOU HAVE TWENTY. I'm just going to eat them all and that way they're out of the house. Then I can eat bananas for dessert and not feel like a walrus.

EDIT 5/6/09 -
I ate all of the devil desserts and my mother bought another box. By the end of summer, I'll be in an irreversible sugary coma.

Summa Summa Summatime

I am officially a junior (well after graduation but since sophomore year is over for me, I'm a junior). Red Robin finally certified me as a server so hopefully I can do something with that while I'm home. Presently, I'm getting ready to watch High School Musical 3 because I'm still fired up about Zac Efron ;)

Since it's summer, I've been thinking a lot about how I want to spend my time. First and foremost, I'm going to leave all the drama and mishaps with friends and boys in the past. I'm going to be 20 years old and it's time to be an adult. My teenage years are coming to a close and so are my teenage decisions (and I REALLY mean it). Secondly, I want to read this summer. I want to read a LOT. Third, I want to reach my goal weight and lay out in the sun as much as possible so I can be nice and bronze. Fourth, I want to just focus on myself. I want to figure out what I want and I want to develop the will power to actually stick to my guns. Lastly, I want to work on my short story, Georgina, because it's about time I did.

Zac Efron Is So Sexy

So lately there hasn't been much for me to write about, and if there has, I haven't had the time. I had my interview with the Weekender and I'm feeling okay about it. They asked me to do a book review about any book I've read and I'm not sure if this is good or bad. Regardless, I'm going to make sure to write a kick ass review of Perfect Fifths, the last and most current book I've read. I've actually started re-reading Sloppy Firsts, the first book of the series - love it.

My roommate moved out today :( Her side of the room is so empty and it makes me sad. Her dad and grandfather helped move her out and her grandfather and I bonded over the dirty jerz. He told Colleen later he thought I was Italian and is concerned that I want to work for a newspaper with the economy haha. How sweet.

As far as my love life, all of my past prospects have fizzled and I actually got myself in trouble with the new delicious man I met. He jokingly said I was insane but really, I'm not and so I'm just not going to talk to him haha. OHJHDJH;dfkg;dlf.. summer please?