got bruises on my knees for you and grass stains on my knees for you

song of the week: bruises by chairlift. IN LOVE <3

that's about the only love in my life. this weekend, i got a little kissy with a boy i work with. the best way to describe how it happened is it's like having a plate of cookies set down in front of you. cookies are a lot of calories and not good for you but you stuff your face anyway. boy from work was the cookie. i have different feelings for him now and i wish i could quit my job, haha. i don't even want to think about it, UGH! and then there is the boy who i wish was my bf - i have yet to grow a pair and ask him to hang out. THEN there's the sunrise boy from a couple weekends ago that i might have, despite myself, developed a tiny tiny crush on him. i'm finding myself wanting to put myself in his path just so we can cross them, not necessarily exchanging words. it's unrequited love - it's ALWAYS unrequited. lucky for me i have two major papers due and i have yet to read any of the text. i'll have something to keep me occupied. i'm so boy crazy and i need to pump the brakes. there's other things to worry about - i'll let you know when i figure out what those things are.

do i dazzle you?

i obsess on twilight so hard it's absurd. i believe you'd call me a "twihard". on friday night, after a friend's surprise party, i put in a movie to help me fall asleep. i chose penelope, one of my favorites, and there is a sneak peek for twilight on the disc. when i saw it, i had this insane urge to watch the movie so i made a plan to rent it the next night. wal-mart has those $1 rental machines and so after work, i made my way over. i must have messed with the machine for 10 minutes before i realized that the reason why twilight wasn't coming up was because someone already rented it. this means if i wanted to watch it, i'd have to buy it. i did and it was the worst 18 dollars i've ever spent.

no matter how much i try, or how much i want to, i will never like the movie twilight and you will never see it in any "favorite movies" category of mine. the director made so many awful decisions on what to carry over from the book and what not to. my favorite scenes in the book, scenes that i think are pivotal, were no where to be seen. for example, in chapter 8, the scene where bella is almost assaulted and edward speeds in on his silver volvo chariot to save her, bella and edward go for dinner and there entire relationship changes. he lets down his wall and they get past all their evasions. he asks her, "do i dazzle you?" and she says "frequently." IT'S PERFECT and no where to be found in the movie. actually, the entire dinner scene in the movie is lame, the whole "sex, money, cat" bit. in another section of the book, chapter 13, bella and edward spend the day together in a very floral and sunny meadow. here, edward confesses EVERYTHING: why he seemed repulsed by her in bio, how he feels about her and why he finds it so hard to be close to her. the chemistry the reader can feel from the words in the text doesn't exist anywhere in the movie. it was their first date, the first realization they couldn't be without one another. also, the whole ballet studio scene, bella gets her shit rocked. in the movie, she comes out with a broken leg. in that same scene, james tells her about alice and where she comes from. it sets up the second book and the director left it out. so many things are out of order, too, and it's just a mess.

aside from the bad choice of text adaptations, the acting is awful too. mainly just kristen stewart. i don't even going to tell you what i think about her but she needs to find another job. she ruined bella and doesn't do justice to the character in the book. rob pattinson is sexy and i need to have extra panties when watching him but his kissing scenes are too much. edward eventually gets over how he wants to drink bella's blood and he deals. the romantic scenes in the book kick the movie ones ass, hands down. OVERALL, THE MOVIE IS TERRIBLE. i'm annoyed with who they cast as rosalie too bc she's supposed to be this immortal blonde super model and nikki reed (the woman who plays her) has a big ass and her roots are showing. ugh, just thinking about it makes me irate lol. the soundtrack is bangin though, so pick that up. i will reluctantly go see new moon and with the new director, i'm allowing myself a tiny hope it will be no.1 at the box office material.

as for the book, i still love it and i'll be reading that until the binding breaks and the pages wear so thin, they tear.

you get a humpback whale!

if you caught my dane cook reference in the title, you already know what this entry is about. it's about oprah, the WHOA-man of daytime talk shows (although Ellen could give her a run for her money; the View bitches are too catty). woman from 18-65 tune in everyday at 4 p.m to watch her show on topics ranging from polygamists, children that act like animals and dr. oz's answers to every problem we could possibly have. my opinion of oprah was lessened around the time a million little pieces was causing a million little uproars. but today in class, my teacher quoted oprah and it's been on my mind.

apparently during one of her shows, i'm not sure what day it was, but oprah said "people have evolved outside of the institution of marriage." my teacher was particurlarly mad because shes been married since forever and said she didn't agree. I HOWEVER, a true cynic when it comes to love and marriage, agree. i remember having a conversation not too long ago with my friend sara (who is philly-bound and our conversations are on pause) about the 20's-40's and the things people valued then. marriage was one of them. you didn't date, you married the first boy who wanted to marry you. didn't like each other? tough shit. you didn't get divorced. the wonderful thing was these two people stayed together, got to know each other and learned to love one another or at least live in a harmonious environment. things like decency and respect still existed. marriage is not the institution it used to be. hollywood has shamed the idea of holy matrimony and two people falling in love and staying together. fidelity is only an 8 letter word and the divorce rate climbs higher every year. i personally have seen too many happily ever afters turn into happily ever nots. so, yes, people have evolved. they make marriage what they want it to be - a 6-month or 2 year relationship that ends with "irreconcilable differences"; the difference being you want me to be your wife/husband and i just want to fool around with every man/woman within a 10-inch radius of me. i plan on eventually becoming this hot-shot newspaper or magazine editor/writer with a shaggy-haired, money making boyfriend (he'll play the guitar too) whom i will cohabitate with but will not put my relationship at risk just so i can say "He went to Jared!" and pick out floral center pieces and laced napkins. if love is real, then no piece of paper can make it any more or less real. the more that i lose faith in the world and humanity, the more that i'm confident that two people can not get married, stay together and love each other indefinitely. too many variations of this have devleoped so kudos, oprah.

everyone says i'll be the first one down the aisle and they'll remind me of this when they're in the church, watching me ball my eyes out and somehow choking out my vows. hold on to that you little dreamers because the only way i'll be at a wedding will be if the reception afterwards is offering an open bar. and the grooms men are rob pattinson look-a-likes.

have a great weekend =)

t.g.i.f (well in two hours)

i need the weekend. even though i'll be spending a large part of it frustrated and pissed off but mildly entertained at red robin, i just want to lay around and do nothing. summer needs to be now because this school bit is getting old.

today was a better day as far as bad hair/life days. actually, after i blogged yesterday afternoon my day got increasingly better. it's amazing how a good conversation and a flirtatious encounter can boost your spirits. the flirtatious encounter was with the boy who i want to be my boyfriend, well one of them. there are a couple now but he was the original. the only problem is i can't tell if what he says to me is just playful banter or actually means something. i've talked to my guy and girl friends about this and their general decision is to ask him to hang out (i havent officially done that) and see what happens. now all i need to do is grow a pair of balls and ask him. i shouldn't be nervous because for anyone who knows me, i can be very bold. it's just with this boy, he is adorable and ALL the girls know it. especially the really skinny brunette ones. it's safe to say i'm smitten and i need to test this out. soon.

bad hair/life day

somehow anytime my hair doesn't fall the way i want, i tend to have a bad day. today is NO different.

i went to bed in a bad mood because i've been having problems with a friend lately. nothing happened but said friend has not felt like speaking to me much, even after i expressed how i felt to her. i happened to be in the same room as her yesterday and there was no hello, no i'm sorry.. nothing. i've spent a lot of my time being upset about it, getting homesick for my friends back home and now, i have made the transition from upset to pissed off beyond belief. a lunch conversation was supposed to take place today but said friend apparently didn't have anything to say. it must be nice to be able to act like an asshole for weeks and feel like you're a saint. this has been real eye opening for me when it comes to how i treat people. im the type of person, that if you need ANYTHING, you can count on me to drive you somewhere or be there for you in anyway. on numerours occassions for said friend i have sacrificed my afternoons to take her to the hospital, called off work to drive her to new jersey and stopped drinking because she got emotional or physical with people she doesn't like. ALL of that and not talking to me for weeks is supposed to just make sense? i am now promising to treat the people in my life with the same courtesy they treat me. i am not going to go out of my way to be a good friend if i don't get shit in return. i have better things to waste my time, and frankly, better people too.

woo, ok. that was a little bit of a vent. easter break can't come soon enough.

this is going to be a long one

i've been looking forward to writing this blog all day and now that i finally have the time to write, i can't think of how i want to organize all i want to say. this has been a very stimulating monday, in the sense that classroom conversations, online blogs, cosmo articles and talks with friends have put my mind on relationship overload (and all before lunch.)

during my graphics class, i checked to see if Joe Hottie updated his blog. when i saw that he didn't, i decided to read older posts and it encouraged me to "kiss and tell", in a tasteful manner of course. my saturday night was all over the place. i worked all day and then ended up at wilkes for this dance they were having, only to walk in to find almost no one in attendance and i felt out of place. i didn't dance much and the reason i went (a boy of course) left, so i sat there only to witness an epic smackdown that had me and my friends sprinting back to campus. my two friends and i ended up in alumni, one of the apartment buildings on campus, and hung out with my one friend's guy friends. needless to say, one of the guys caught my eye and i didn't end up leaving until the sun was up. it was an innocent encounter so don't let your imaginations run too wild but it left me confused, but mainly myself. i want a relationship but how can i get to that point if i'm spending my saturday nights the way i am? we exchanged numbers and my friend said all that did was create expectations, which is true. 13% of guys call back after a first "date" and i have yet to encounter any of the boys that make up that percentile. i guess i'll see if i hear from him this weekend but i won't hold my breath.

my 12 o' clock class went on an awful tangent today. the special olympics wants to stop using the word retard, aka the "r" word, and one of the students was irate over it. this led to the american people using retard, idiot and even fat out of context. one girl said "what if someone called you fat? i wouldn't want someone to call me fat because it has negative connotations. that to me says i'm ugly and undesired. it has negative cultural connotations." that stuck with me not only because it didn't really go with what was being said but because she's right. if you're fat, it's so much more than a number on a scale. the boys i have gotten mixed up with this semester have been dead-end deals. im led under the false pretense they're "into me" only to face them sober and with a sudden change of heart. WHY do guys go right for the skinny blonde instead of the curvy brunette? why am i not worth taking a chance on, worth getting to know because my jean size is double-digits? it's a never ending frustration.

anway, from there i read the rest of my cosmo magazine and found some articles targeting single women. these articles are all about what to do if you want to attract a boyfriend but the more i try, the more i put myself out there, the more i am disappointed. at lunch, i was telling my one friend about my weekend and my thoughts on it. he told me that im not going to find a guy who wants to be in a relationship because we're still in college. i didn't take offense to this because it's true. a lot of guys just want a good time but a part of, a very very small part of me, believes not everyguy is avoiding commitment. when i got to my room, another good friend of mine and i were talking about relationships and that late-night void single girls feel after a good or bad night out with girlfriends. she said to me "being sad from single life is like a dormant disease." that is an excellent way to put it because no matter how much single women, or i in this instance, try to focus on everything else in my life, i can't help but wish that i had someone special in my life. i feel as if all my dead-end hook ups are auditions and i'm not getting any callbacks. how much longer until i get completely discouraged and give up altogether?

i've found that all my love life mishaps are only helping me to shape what characteristics i want in my next boyfriend (assuming he ever crawls out from under the rock he is hiding under). i'm at a place where i'm ready for something steady and this weekend was unlike any of my other late night romps, but i'm not entirely convinced anything will come of it. Joe Hottie keeps writing about how sexy it is for a girl to hit on him first, to be bold and make her intentions clear. i can be VERY bold but i haven't had any of the guys react the way Joe has talked about. im thinking of the cultural connotations and i don't want anyone to acknowledge my relationship status outloud. single can easily be translated into unworthy because at the end of the day, who really wants to be alone? im not in a relationship because i don't want to be but because no boy seems to want me...at least not past a night of casual drinking and kissing.

i'm exhausted from trying to figure this all out. despite all my failed "auditions", i am still patiently (at times) waiting for someone to take a chance on me and have it develop into hopefully my next relationship.

bring on the beautiful weather

i'm so ready :]

i don't have anything to say except the term "spring cleaning" maybe be applicable to some people in my life.

i don't pay attention in class

from 10-1050 in the morning, i am in a computer lab for my graphics class. she handed us our next project which is to create a two-page magazine spread with an article we find in any magazine of our choice. having a vagina, i'm naturally considering cosmo. instead of listening to her talk in class and give examples and ideas to help with the project, i chose to look at cosmopolitan.com. in a way, i was sort of paying attention but not really because i wasn't reading any articles but rather Joe Hottie's Dating Blog.

this blog is a 25-year-old male who lives in california, writing about his love life. how often are girls presented the chance to read about a guy's innermost thoughts on dating? NEVER. i couldn't even finish an entire entry because i was so eager to read his older posts. one post in particular about why guys love to play hard to get made me laugh but also made a lot of sense to me (it's called the mario syndrome). here's the link at the bottom (if the two people who read this are interested, haha):

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/joe-hottie/jh-the-mario-syndrome

in one of his other post's, he's talking about meeting the current girl he is dating and how the night he first met, one of the many things he noticed was how many times she didn't pull out her cell phone and how true is that? how many times do we pull our phone out when we're with people to see if we have any messages when 9 times out of 10, we know we don't have any (atleast that is applicable in my case)? constantly checking our phone sends a message and he's right. what other things will Joe Hottie open my eyes to? i spent 20 minutes reading his blog and already i'm hooked.

that's it for now, shakespeare is waiting for me.

and i don't even know his last name

i don't like country music but i can entertain carrie underwood every now and then. i'm waiting to go to my last class of the day and i just finished the paper that's due today, that i was assigned probably more than a month ago. my favorite line is "i had no clue what i was getting into so i blame it on the cuervo, oh where did my manners go?"

last night, one of the many things distracting me from my paper were blogs written by other people i'm not neccesarily friends with. i know this is me admitting i'm a slight stalker but my roommate made me feel better when she told me they put it on the internet for a reason. but anyway, i've realized i'm not interesting and my hobbies or interests are not interesting. i feel like my blogs are something you can find in j-14 magazine, nothing of real value. the blogs i was reading were about politics, vintage clothing, indie music and women's studies novels. i compared some of what i was reading to my own life and found myself feeling extremely unoriginal. i was envious because, to me, they stand out. that probably isn't their intention but i too want to stand out. i finally got back to work but i couldn't help but feel so insignificant. the paper i had to do was about an essay i read by walker percy. it wasn't as bad as i thought but it talks about going off the beaten track and having authentic experiences. i need some authenticity in my life and i need to get off the beaten track and hopefully find new, genuine experieneces.. a new, original self.

on lighter note, i had a tender dream last night about one of the boys i want to be my b.f (there are two now). imagine how sad i was when i woke up and remembered i'm still so, so, soooo single. like my love life, this weekend is going to be bleak. i will unfortunately not be engaging in parade day activities/binge drinking but instead, i'll be pouring over Shakespeare and the essays i need to write for my midterm. ok i'm two minutes late, the end.

i want magic (and the weekend)

last night i was writing a paper and i was using a scenario about a little kid going to disney world for the first time. i was saying how that first time is so magical and then i started thinking, when was the last time i experienced anything like that?

it's been a long time since i've felt like those little kids and that's sad. lately i feel like my life has become so mundane with the same routine and the same aggravations that i'm in need of something magical. i want that feeling when you experience something new and something that you love with your whole heart. i want love in my life, a real, genuine love and i want to feel like my life has meaning. i keep waiting for something to happen, something significant to take place that will turn my life upside down in the best of ways. i want to feel like i'm actually living and not just getting by. i don't want to have to look for it either because then it won't be authentic; i want it to take me by surprise and i want it to find me when i least expect it (sometime preferably soon).

i don't think that's a lot to ask. i've been patiently waiting and i think i'm due for a little magic.

i'm on a taking back sunday binge

i just took a sip of my water and it dribbled down my chin and onto my shirt. woops. and a boy that looks like christian slater walked over to the printer in the computer lab.

ANYWAY

taking back sunday is one of my favorite bands EVER. i went through a phase where i was madly in love with adam lazzara and although i have found newer loves (rob pattinson, joe jonas lol) i've been repeatedly playing adam and the boys (their second album) for the past week and i'm not sure why. "i am fred astaire" is currently blaring through my headphones/ear buds, whateva.

spring break has come and gone for me and i'm back to the grind of class and reading books that i would never pick to read on my own time. monday night was horrific because i was handed my shakespeare midterm and i have the option of writing two essays or performing a piece from a play of my choice plus a reflection paper. it's a lose lose for me because i'm bashful in front of people who are not my friends and i haven't read any of the plays so my papers are going to be weak. the past couple days i have been really nostalgic for my high school friends because they're REAL friends. we talk when we can and there are no hard feelings for not having talked in a while, they're straight up with how they feel and they help me through my ridiculous dilemmas (and vice versa). lately some of the people i'm friends with have been annoyingly shady and my patience is growing very thin. i have F.F.P (ask me about it, haha). i just need SB and the few of my gfs here at school who know whats up :)

WWFD

i had a dream last night with the four significant boys in my life: boy i wish was my bf, boy who has a gf but wants to be my bf, boy who was my bf and edward cullen.

it began with the boy i want to be my bf and me signing his cast. he asked me to write "mine <3" on the palm area and i couldn't do it for some retarded reason. i botched the whole thing and it was just a block of permanent ink. he then proceeded to ravish me in ways i wont retell but then i was in a different scene. all of a sudden im talking to the boy who has a gf but wants to be my bf before he walks into his classroom.. it's actually not exciting at all so i could have probably left this out.

ANYWAY then im with edward (or rob pattinson) and i'm a vampire. i remember texting him and also saying something in my head hoping he would hear me (haha such a twilighter) but no. i ended up running into boy who has a gf and wants to be my bf but he didnt seem interested in talking to me. i went to the bathroom and saw my new face, alibaster and my runway hair. i hid in a stall and then all of a sudden bodies slam up against it (not dead ones, live ones) and i look under and there is a line of people in black pants going across all of the stalls and i stop breathing (because as a vampire i can do that) and listened. someone was speaking in what i presumed in my dream to be latin (even though i dont know latin) and then everything changed. i was sitting at tables and it was like a vampire help session and i had to read pieces of papers, IN SPANISH, and help them. after that, i was with edward. and then i'd like to say i was with the boy who was my bf but now that i'm retelling it, that might be made up.

in any case, i feel like i did this to myself because i read a chapter out of twilight everynight because im disgustingly obsessed with it (but only the book). the only part of the movie i enjoy is rob pattinson's face and the effect he has on my underroos. er, just kidding lol 0:-]

but in all seriousness, what would freud do? what would he have to say about that little dream of mine? i'm interested, that's for sure.

confessions of a poor girl

let me break down my shopping habits for you: i shop at old navy and similar stores as opposed to nordstrom and bloomingdales. i buy knock-off coach bags from chinatown and haven't spent over a $100 on shoes, unless it's more than one pair. my car just broke and my highly anticipated income tax check will most likely go to it and i owe my soul to sallie mae. i pinch pennies but normally don't have two to rub together.

i feel like i heard somewhere that the most beautiful thing a woman can wear is her confidence, or attitude, or something like that. i'm hoping that's true because that's what i got, especially an attitude. it gets hard because i have friends that can afford to buy the $150 jeans and the marc jacobs bag and the expensive watches and necklaces. im envious of my friends who have opportunities to buy whatever they'd like on impulse. i've never had that lifestyle and it will stay that way because i live paycheck to paycheck, and out of my mom's purse. F RED ROBIN and the economy, but mostly red robin. i'm offended at how materialistic the world is because it depletes the chances of an ordinary girl getting noticed.

i'm looking at my closet now and there isn't very much in there especially now with having lost some weight, much of what i have is too big and i was going to use my income tax check money but that dream is dead. i know i should be grateful for what i have but i lose sight of that when people are lucky enough to have more than what i have. i just don't have money to spend like that. i'd like to say one day i will but i'm going to be a journalist (hopefully) and by then, with the economy, paper bags might be in style. i just wish people didn't judge as much as they do because then i wouldn't be so self-concious about what i wore and what i don't own. not that it should matter but it would be nice to walk by and have someone be envious of what i wore - it's shallow but what can i say?

in less shallow news, i just asked my father to have dinner at his house saturday and he asked if i was pregnant. it's quite a world we live in, really, it is.

the city that never sleeps

what is it about new york city that anytime you are there to visit, you never want to leave? i was there twice this weekend and twice i pictured living there indefinitely. since i've changed my major to communications, i'd eventually like to get into journalism. i'd like to write for a newspaper or magazine, if possible, in the city. the big apple is home to many respectable newspapers and magazines and i could see myself getting a studio apartment, living off of crackers and green tea. i can see myself walking through crowds of people or making bad decisions with my girlfriends at a night club or bar. whatever the case, i'll be in an environment i enjoy and doing what i love: writing. there's just something about nyc that invites you in and leaves you with the thought, "i can make it here."

i had intended this entry to be more in depth but that's all i have for now, haha. i went to a comedy show last night at caroline's and comedian julian mccullough made a joke about how he got a cat and his friends called him a fag. then he goes, "im a bottle of red wine and a danielle steel novel away from complaining about all the men in my life."

me too, julian, me too.