Girl talk

Today's weather was ominous of my mood although I don't feel as terrible as I was yesterday. There haven't been any tears and that's always good. Despite the weather, I was able to drive my boat of a car through the monsoon and meet my girlfriend for lunch. We dined at Nifty Fifty's and caught up over cheese fries & milkshakes :] Some girl time was all I needed - we got to talking about the newspaper and all sorts of things, it was nice. She actually shed some light on my situation and helped me realize I'm not one of those sexaholics on Lifetime that need to look for penance. I just need to really think before I act, especially now that I know this type of feeling exists. It's not fun.

But after Philly, I came home for class, which I ALMOST didn't go to, and I could barely keep my eyes open. Now, I'm here drinking Diet Pepsi and watching Heartbreakers with my mother. I would be talking to a potential "match" right now if he didn't diss my family and blame it on the fact he's tired and a loner. What is it going to take for me to meet a nice, young man? Well, for starters, I'll have to greet them with a hello and not an invitation for a good ol' romp. Aside from that, I'm not sure.

Love rhymes with hideous car wreck

It was an awful day - from start to finish.

I woke up this morning with zero motivation to go to the gym.. AGAIN. I don't know what is with me. I used to get so pumped thinking about my daily run and now it's the totally opposite. I had work tonight and got there got in a bad mood and the people and customers only made it worse. It's so aggravating when it's slow and there's stacks of silverware and baskets, as well as food to be run and the servers act like they don't see it. I know they see it because I act like that too..but it's when I'm actually making an effort and have to listen to the expo and my manager yell 50 times "can we run this please!? i need silver, please! baskets, please!" A few of my tables left me stupid tips and I just don't understand them.. you can pay to eat out, you can afford a 15% tip.

The main reason today was so awful was because I was a little scandalous this afternoon. A guy friend of mine came over and one thing led to another which didn't surprise me but it was how I felt afterwards that threw me off guard. I just felt like crying. It turned out to be something I didn't want.. I wasn't into it. I started to hate myself for willingly putting myself in these meaningless situations and that only extended to my inability to create a stable, lasting connection with a man. I don't even know how to approach a guy to simply hang out, get to know one another without suggesting we fool around in some way. It's not that that is all I want from guys..I feel like it's all I suggest because I'm convinced it's all I'm worthy of receiving. I thought about it and I do not have any functional male relationships, apart from my two best guy friends. My father is a joke and any guy I've been interested in has only been interested me until they got what they wanted and sobered up. I can't say I'm so innocent because sometimes I do the initiating but tonight, I realized I'm afraid to emotionally connect with anyone since I've been so let down. I know I want a relationship, that stability and comfort but I feel like I know guys all too well and delude myself into thinking it's better to just go along with it. Where is that line between having fun and being self-destructive? What it really comes down to is how much I respect myself..if I respect myself enough or not. I hated how I felt this afternoon, even now thinking back on it is just making me so disappointed in myself because it's making me look on my past activity with a new perspective. When did I get this way and how can I make myself better?

Internet woes

I started this blog long after I spent months cursing Dell and their decision to outsource. While they did EVENTUALLY solve some of my issues, my computer has not been performing to its full potential. As of this past week, I know longer have sound and the router we have for my house is not working properly so I have no internet connection. As much as I hate using my PC because there is so much crap and it runs super slow, I can't muster up the strength and energy to call Dell and find out what the f is up. So.. here's the plan: I'll have to twitter and facebook via my crackberry or this PC until the end of summer when I've decided I will be purchasing a Mac.

This weekend was very exhausting. I worked a double on Friday with the boy I am newly smitten with. His nickname is "Italian Stallion" which is subject to change because I'm not even sure if he's Italian. Anyway, Italian Stallion winks at me and makes my knees all wobbly. But, the one time I jokingly asked when we were going on a date and he said never. ROFL. It's only funny because that's worse than the rejection hotline number. He's single though..a fact I found out by some heavy duty sleuthing. I'm going to try and make a move. Next Friday (because we only work together Friday's), it's ON. But anyway, after work I went home because Saturday was the summer open house for King's. This girl was on the road at 5 am which means she was awake at 4.. well 4:15. By the time I got to the W-B, and gave my first tour, it felt like the afternoon to me. It was only 10:30! My apartment building for the fall is coming along and looks so SO good. It's definitely going to be done by the time I need to move in and I can't freakin' wait. Afterwards I stopped at Red Robin, my "old/temporarily absent from" stomping grounds. Some of my friends filled me in on the W-B drama and honestly, it's like Days of Our Lives. The Red Robin I'm at now for the summer is NOT like that at all. If the other servers are pimps and hoes, I haven't the slighest idea and I like it that way. It's a burden to carry around all this gossip.. it gets you in trouble and clouds your judgement! My Saturday didn't end there because I needed to babysit.. took my favorite little persons to the carnival and I even got hit on. The conversation went as follows:

"Are they yours?" Man with lazy eye and yellow teeth pointing to my munchkins asks.
"Oh no, I'm just their babysitter."
"I bet you'd make a good mom though."

Oh.. um.. GROSS. That being said, today was another double shift, shitty tips, and some tears. For the record, the tears did not all relate to work. I'm emotional and spontaneously dissolve into crying fits, it's okay.

Other highlights:
I'm burning a hole through Paramore's new single, Ignorance.
Demi Lovato's CD is coming out Tuesday and I can't wait to buy it.
I'm getting my hair cut :]
Currently, I'm reading People Are Unappealing by Sara Barron. It's wonderful.

Mm k. I need to get to bed.

"Life Is Beautiful...

.. but it's complicated, we barely make it
we don't need to understand
there are miracles, there are miracles."

WHAT UP VEGA 4 - This song is lovely. I've just finished watching Sex Drive with some no name actors but that didn't matter because it was pretty good. Of course, there was a love story and the two characters admit they are in love with one another and this song plays.. isn't that just wonderful? Why can't it ever happen like that? Like.. it would be so much easier for girls if when they were kissing a guy, a sweet melody played to cue to them that yes, this is your leading man. For example, if I were kissing a guy and "Tell that Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today" came on -"Let's play this game called "where you catch fire", I wouldn't piss to put you out" - I would know I was swapping spit with Satan. And I wish I could hear my internal thoughts, like Carrie Bradshaw on Sex & the City. It would make this whole blogging process a lot more intimate. How about when I'm driving in the car and I stare longingly out the window? It would be nice to have some self-reflective ballad playing, like "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot or "Lift Me Up" by Kate Voegele. Music is a powerful indication of someone's mood, feeling, the atmosphere... I'm just waiting for something and I'm not sure what it is. It isn't necessarily love or happiness or fulfillment or rock hard abs.. maybe it's a combination of all four. Maybe I just need some continuity.. some feeling of contentment. Sigh. If my life were a movie, here is how it would be and all the songs to go with it:

Opening Credits:
"I'm On A Boat" The Lonely Island

Scenes including my teenage mishaps/struggle to be thin:
"It's Only Life" Kate Voegele

My first hearbreak:
"Don't Forget" Demi Lovato

My nights out with the girls because some jerk broke my heart:
"Hush Hush" Pussycat Dolls OR "Just Dance" Lady GaGa

My first time running for more than 5 minutes on a treadmill:
"Finally" CeCe Peniston or "Hip's Don't Lie" Shakira

Moving away to college:
"A New Day" Tamar Kaprelian

Finding success with school, jobs, and internships:
"Turn My Swag On" Soulja Boy

Waking up from many nights of teenage debauchery:
"Last Name" Carrie Underwood OR "Lipgloss" Lil' Mama

Realizing my pattern of being with all the wrong dudes:
"Here We Go Again" Demi Lovato OR "99 Times" Kate Voegele

Gaining and losing friends:
"Hi Hater" Maino AND "Nobody's Perfect" Hannah Montana

Meeting Mr. Right:
"At Last" Etta James OR "Lovebug" The Jonas Brothers

Waking up bronze and abtastic:
"Circus" Britney Spears OR "Thong Song" Sisqo

Landing my dream job and dying happy:
"Banana Pancakes" Jack Johnson

Closing Credits:
"Misery Business" Paramore

Okay, some of this is serious and some of it is not but you get the point. Some parts of my life are so Hollywood already that this just makes sense. Or maybe my exhaustion is catching up with me. Regardless, some musical encouragement would make life a whole lot more interesting.

Here we go, go, go again

It's official: I LIKE the music Demi Lovato makes. I'm constantly listening to her songs "La La Land", "Don't Forget", and now "Here We Go Again." I think I may even buy her new album, coming out later this month. I thought she was just a guilty pleasure but I can't lie to myself anymore. I also follow her on Twitter, as well as her biffle Selena Gomez who I wish I could be. Selena is the most trendy, charismatic young star I've come across. I o.d on her and Demi's twits because I want their lives - how lame! Also with new song releases, PARAMORE has a new single, Ignorance, that is pretty sweet. I swear I have a serious problem when it comes to their music. It's safe to say I have a girl crush on Hayley (who I also follow on Twitter) and might need some help.

But anyway, I'm just wasting time before I go make myself study for a test I should have taken last week. The stuff is in my car and I like to walk around with long shirts and no pants SO I'm too lazy to put on pants and I don't know if the neighbors will appreciate me flashing them. I was not productive today, just babysat and came home to find out my night class was not tonight but tomorrow. I'm a hot mess. I ended up finding the motivation to go to the gym and I was almost positive I was going to collapse. I ate so well today, minus the chinese food I had for lunch :(, but I'm seriously committed to getting lean and mean. I'll be delicious by September - I can feel it. No, literally.. I'll be so sore tomorrow. That's all.. oh, and I might have a new prospect off match but I'm most definitely not getting my hopes up. It's still Zac Efron - I'm all yours baby.

Game time!

Happy 4th of July - well, it was almost an hour ago but still! I celebrated this American holiday with family, bbq & wine coolers. If my mother wasn't eyeing me down, I would have knocked back some more drinks but I didn't want to sour the mood. Instead, I stuffed as many smores that would fit into my gob as I could. A family my uncle knew had the three cutest girls. The oldest, ironically named Stephanie, was a pistol. She has had a few boyfriends, texts like mad on her LG VOYAGER, understood what I though were sneaky sexual innuendos and comfortably used the term wing woman. In addition, she has read the Twilight books and she has a twitter. Honestly, the coolest 12 year old I have ever met. Her sisters were cute and if they didn't live so far away, I'd throw my number down to babysit before you could say marshmallow.

But anyway, tonight I decided I need to diet. I need to get back into my Hitler-like gym regimen and cut out all the shit I eat. Especially after this vacation, it's time to get my ass back on track. So to make it interesting - and an all family effort - my mother and sisters have decided to make a little game out of it. In two months, whoever has lost 20lbs or more can win something with a $150 value - gift card, electronic, spa/nail certificates..lalala. those of us who haven't lost that much split the money (there is 4 participants so $50 a person). I think it'll be fun and the more support, the better.

I'm falling asleep but I did want to make a note that Chelsea Handler is a riot and her book was hysterical. I'm going to get her first one, My Horizontal Life, and then if there's money left to be spent, I'll pick up Why Men Love Bitches and LA Candy. I'm sure I had more to say but I'm being hit with a wave of exhaustion. Until tomorrow.

NOLA and other significant life events

I don't even know how to preface this entry because a)I haven't posted anything in quite a while and b) there's a lot I want to say. First and foremost, I've just gotten home from my weeklong stay in New Orleans, Louisiana. I'm cozy in my bed with my Powerpuff Girl blanket and anxioulsy waiting for our pizza to get here - it was a week long diet of fried shrimp, mashed potatoes, and bbq ribs. Oh, and lets not forget the virgin daquiris. NOLA was balls hot but a lot of fun. I layed poolside with my sisters, took tours of the gorgeous French Quarter (saw Brangelina's place!) and cruised along the Mississippi. I even made a point to dip my toe in it because I thought that was important, I don't really know. We visited Bourbon Street and ate their famous beignets (similar to a zeppoli). I'm definitely going to return after I turn 21 and for Mardi Gras. I have this thought in my head I've been dying to get down: when I got off the plane, I had my unbrushed hair scooped under my Mets hat and was wearing my Jonas Brothers shirt. I couldn't help but wonder if people were looking at me, pitying my dissheveled appearance, and questioning if I came from an underprivleged part of the world where they only heard of specific pop stars and praised them more than people in the states actually do: i.e, the Beach Boys. That might suck but my first example was Michael Jackson and THAT would be inaccurate since he's even bigger now than when he was alive - god bless his moonwalking soul.

Before I left for vacation, I went on my first date. Yes, I know - 20 years old and I've only just been on a date. Physically, he was a 5. Emotionally (or how I will rate the date), a 6. The reason it scored so high is because he was a gentleman when it came to driving out here and paying for dinner and a movie. His snide remarks and Vin Diesel strut were just a couple of the things that turned me off which sucks because we've spent a majority of the last two weeks talking via text. My Match account has since expired and I'm waiting until either Zac Efron or someone interesting "winks at me" before I do one of those again.

As a result of this failed "match", and when I was not indulging in a few of the beach books I brought along, I thought of my ex boyfriend - especially the night we were just relaxing on a dock. It was a classic date spot and I just kept wondering, why the hell am I still single? Why can I be so scandalous, have guys falling all over themselves and into my bed, car, bathroom (w/e) but no one bold enough to stick it out past a fortnight of intoxicated debauchery? When I was in NOLA, I let a man with a long pony tail read my fortune through tarot cards. As far as meeting Mr. Right, he will come when I don't need "it" anymore. I suppose it is that mythical thing called love, or the comfort and stability of a handsome, genorous young man. When will I not need or want that? Other highlights: I was very accomplished this year, I will have difficulty in September/Novemeber, the holidays will be rough for me and there is a chapter in my life I want to close and will find the strength to do so. This chapter is obviously my ex boyfriend. The more shitty my single life is, the more I am pulled to him. I'm such a mess. However, I do have a nice tan and operation lip ring is soon to commence.

Things to look forward to: 4th of July bbq, Ear piercings (the originals you get when your an infant, mine closed up - I KNOW, retarded), and a lip ring!?! And that's it. Oh, and I still want some fucking mexican food. Hopefully tonight I'll fill my abdomen with fajitas and guacamole.

P.S I'm reading Are you there, Vodka? It's me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler- it's brilliant. I'm pissing myself. I'll be tweeting some of her hilarity because I have nothing better to do and twitter gives meaning to my life. Over vacation my sisters had their boys, and I had my tweets. Twits. Twats. Whateva.