this is going to be a long one

i've been looking forward to writing this blog all day and now that i finally have the time to write, i can't think of how i want to organize all i want to say. this has been a very stimulating monday, in the sense that classroom conversations, online blogs, cosmo articles and talks with friends have put my mind on relationship overload (and all before lunch.)

during my graphics class, i checked to see if Joe Hottie updated his blog. when i saw that he didn't, i decided to read older posts and it encouraged me to "kiss and tell", in a tasteful manner of course. my saturday night was all over the place. i worked all day and then ended up at wilkes for this dance they were having, only to walk in to find almost no one in attendance and i felt out of place. i didn't dance much and the reason i went (a boy of course) left, so i sat there only to witness an epic smackdown that had me and my friends sprinting back to campus. my two friends and i ended up in alumni, one of the apartment buildings on campus, and hung out with my one friend's guy friends. needless to say, one of the guys caught my eye and i didn't end up leaving until the sun was up. it was an innocent encounter so don't let your imaginations run too wild but it left me confused, but mainly myself. i want a relationship but how can i get to that point if i'm spending my saturday nights the way i am? we exchanged numbers and my friend said all that did was create expectations, which is true. 13% of guys call back after a first "date" and i have yet to encounter any of the boys that make up that percentile. i guess i'll see if i hear from him this weekend but i won't hold my breath.

my 12 o' clock class went on an awful tangent today. the special olympics wants to stop using the word retard, aka the "r" word, and one of the students was irate over it. this led to the american people using retard, idiot and even fat out of context. one girl said "what if someone called you fat? i wouldn't want someone to call me fat because it has negative connotations. that to me says i'm ugly and undesired. it has negative cultural connotations." that stuck with me not only because it didn't really go with what was being said but because she's right. if you're fat, it's so much more than a number on a scale. the boys i have gotten mixed up with this semester have been dead-end deals. im led under the false pretense they're "into me" only to face them sober and with a sudden change of heart. WHY do guys go right for the skinny blonde instead of the curvy brunette? why am i not worth taking a chance on, worth getting to know because my jean size is double-digits? it's a never ending frustration.

anway, from there i read the rest of my cosmo magazine and found some articles targeting single women. these articles are all about what to do if you want to attract a boyfriend but the more i try, the more i put myself out there, the more i am disappointed. at lunch, i was telling my one friend about my weekend and my thoughts on it. he told me that im not going to find a guy who wants to be in a relationship because we're still in college. i didn't take offense to this because it's true. a lot of guys just want a good time but a part of, a very very small part of me, believes not everyguy is avoiding commitment. when i got to my room, another good friend of mine and i were talking about relationships and that late-night void single girls feel after a good or bad night out with girlfriends. she said to me "being sad from single life is like a dormant disease." that is an excellent way to put it because no matter how much single women, or i in this instance, try to focus on everything else in my life, i can't help but wish that i had someone special in my life. i feel as if all my dead-end hook ups are auditions and i'm not getting any callbacks. how much longer until i get completely discouraged and give up altogether?

i've found that all my love life mishaps are only helping me to shape what characteristics i want in my next boyfriend (assuming he ever crawls out from under the rock he is hiding under). i'm at a place where i'm ready for something steady and this weekend was unlike any of my other late night romps, but i'm not entirely convinced anything will come of it. Joe Hottie keeps writing about how sexy it is for a girl to hit on him first, to be bold and make her intentions clear. i can be VERY bold but i haven't had any of the guys react the way Joe has talked about. im thinking of the cultural connotations and i don't want anyone to acknowledge my relationship status outloud. single can easily be translated into unworthy because at the end of the day, who really wants to be alone? im not in a relationship because i don't want to be but because no boy seems to want me...at least not past a night of casual drinking and kissing.

i'm exhausted from trying to figure this all out. despite all my failed "auditions", i am still patiently (at times) waiting for someone to take a chance on me and have it develop into hopefully my next relationship.