thin

"thin" is an hbo documentary directed by lauren greenfield that takes place in florida at the renfrew center, a rehabilitation center for women battling anorexia and bulimia. i have always found it difficult to sit and watch women who have pencil-thin arms and being able to make out their spinal cord.what shocked me most was the reaction after the documentary was over and how three of the girls in attendance have had or have an eating disorder. it was a powerful documentary and discussion that brought me to tears.

it was upsetting to watch these women cry on a daily basis because in their mind, 100 lbs was disgustingly fat and the more they gained, they more they wanted to leave the center and fall back into their bad habits. one of the women couldn't even enjoy her birthday cupcake because it was too sweet and she wanted a bran muffin. another woman was asked to draw what she thought she looked like and the end result was a figure that could be equivalent to a stocky man. the art counselor then traced her on top of what she thought she looked like and the difference was obvious. but this woman proceeded to comment on areas of her body, i.e "saddle bags", "love handles", "breast lift" (etc.) in the center of her body, she wrote HELP ME. these women are trapped and in their mind, they look in the mirror and see someone twice their size. anything over 85 lbs is obese and the more i listened to these women talk about their daily fight with food, i reflected on my own personal weight problem.

i myself have never had an eating disorder and have lost all my weight in a healthy fashion but it doesn't mean i haven't wanted to lose more weight, quicker, so i could finally be skinny. i've never had a thin body type and now, while i look better than i have in a long time, i'm still overweight for my height. it's a constant obsession, worrying about calories and what food i should and should not eat, and the sooner america embraces fuller figured women, the sooner ordinary people will. i'm not perfect everyday and it is dissatisfying when i make myself eat a salad instead of a hamburger or chicken fingers. when im at the gym, sometimes i want to cry because i hate having to work harder than some of these girls who were born with thin genes. even with the latest tabloids, jessica simpson gaining 20 lbs, is absurd because she looks beautiful but since we can't make out her collar or hip bones, she is vowing to lose all of the weight she gained. it's a constant pressure that i just like many other women feel and it comes from all ends: the media, family, friends, the opposite sex (etc.) the number you see on the scale does not define your character or what you're capable of. that three digit number can destroy you if you let it crowd your thoughts. it's scary how they can run your life and i hope that i never let them get the best of me.

as i learn to embrace my curves and work with what i have, i hope that women who suffer with these disorders learn the same things and realize that being a size 2 or 16 is irrelevant. once you learn to love yourself the way you are, you can only go up and that's a beautiful thing.