fat tuesday

i'm not gonna lie - i didn't really understand fat tuesday until last night when my roommate explained it to me. since lent starts wednesday, and usually people give up junk food, fat tuesday is sort of a last hoorah. i personally believe in fat friday. after a week of eating well i indulge in some chinese or some take out from red robin , or if i'm feeling particurlarly indulgent i'll celebrate what i call "whale weekend", haha.

as far as lent goes, i'm not sure what or if i'm going to give anything up. i was thinking of a couple things today and they were weak at best: stop complaining, stop being mean, stick to the diet.. blah blah blah. lent is for people who don't do new years resolutions (oh, and catholics i suppose). instead of devoting yourself to something all year, you devote yourself to something for just a few weeks. i don't even go to church and i'm not going to get ashes (and i'll probably eat meat) so i'm thinking i'll sit this one out.

however, assuming i would use lent as the first step of a long process, i think what i'd like to give up most is letting one person continually get the best of me. i'm an overly sensitive person so i always try to rework a situation and make myself believe "this is what i want" and i just deal. my friendship with this person is not equal in the sense that i'm constantly there for him and willing to listen and comfort him but when the tables are turned, when it's me who needs a friend, i don't get the same in return. this certain individual has been in my life a long time and we were in love, we were friends, we didn't speak for a period of time and now, i don't know what it is. i want him in my life but it gets so hard because no matter how much i say i want things to change, they never do and we fall into the same obnoxious patterns. he knows i love and care for him, i truly do, and he takes advantage of it. i hate the feeling of regret because i don't regret the decisions i made but i do regret that him and i can never really be friends. there are a lot of feelings there, said and unsaid, that just make this close to impossible. i need to let go of what was because that is what is keeping me here in the first place. but how do you let go of the first boy you ever loved? what i need to do is look forward because eventually someone else will come along and as much as my friends say i deserve better, i hope one day i'll actually believe that and find the strength to move on.

on that note, enjoy those donuts and bagels because fat tuesday is over in half hour :)