It was an awful day - from start to finish.
I woke up this morning with zero motivation to go to the gym.. AGAIN. I don't know what is with me. I used to get so pumped thinking about my daily run and now it's the totally opposite. I had work tonight and got there got in a bad mood and the people and customers only made it worse. It's so aggravating when it's slow and there's stacks of silverware and baskets, as well as food to be run and the servers act like they don't see it. I know they see it because I act like that too..but it's when I'm actually making an effort and have to listen to the expo and my manager yell 50 times "can we run this please!? i need silver, please! baskets, please!" A few of my tables left me stupid tips and I just don't understand them.. you can pay to eat out, you can afford a 15% tip.
The main reason today was so awful was because I was a little scandalous this afternoon. A guy friend of mine came over and one thing led to another which didn't surprise me but it was how I felt afterwards that threw me off guard. I just felt like crying. It turned out to be something I didn't want.. I wasn't into it. I started to hate myself for willingly putting myself in these meaningless situations and that only extended to my inability to create a stable, lasting connection with a man. I don't even know how to approach a guy to simply hang out, get to know one another without suggesting we fool around in some way. It's not that that is all I want from guys..I feel like it's all I suggest because I'm convinced it's all I'm worthy of receiving. I thought about it and I do not have any functional male relationships, apart from my two best guy friends. My father is a joke and any guy I've been interested in has only been interested me until they got what they wanted and sobered up. I can't say I'm so innocent because sometimes I do the initiating but tonight, I realized I'm afraid to emotionally connect with anyone since I've been so let down. I know I want a relationship, that stability and comfort but I feel like I know guys all too well and delude myself into thinking it's better to just go along with it. Where is that line between having fun and being self-destructive? What it really comes down to is how much I respect myself..if I respect myself enough or not. I hated how I felt this afternoon, even now thinking back on it is just making me so disappointed in myself because it's making me look on my past activity with a new perspective. When did I get this way and how can I make myself better?
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