Everything you're not

As much as I wish I could blog from my bed, warm and snuggled up in my comforter..I still don't want to fight with whatever third world country I need to in order to figure out why my laptop isn't picking up my wireless connection. One more month and I'll have a new computer and we'll see what happens then. I've just gotten done with work and I'm home, in my igloo of a house, and inhaling my sister's mac & cheese.

So, a lot of my blog posts have had a lot to do with my ex-boyfriend. A few of them I even swore I was going to cut him out but this time, this time I sincerely mean it. Yesterday, while I felt miserable and was on the brink of tears, I thought maybe this once he'd be able to comfort me. Anytime I'm distraught, I instinctively reach for him because he used to be this sensitive person, he used to make everything better. This person I thought of? He doesn't exist and last night was no different. It was a brutal slap in the face of just how much I put into this whatever-ship and how much he does not. Everything benefits him.. I'm there to talk to, to pass the time, to flirt with, to express his emotions about family and class. Once he called me while I was at work and instead of forwarding the call, I took it and went to the bathroom, listening to him vent. I didn't have to do it but that's why he called me. That's what FRIENDS do. Yesterday, when he asked what was wrong, he replied "oh", "maybe its depression", and asked if I was pregnant. He might have been trying to joke but that was just rude, and enough for me. For 5 years, he's been a part of my life.. even the brief amount of time we weren't speaking, my thoughts and emotions always circled back to him. He is in my heart, always, but I can't let this break me down the way it does. Cutting him out doesn't really effect me.. all I've lost is someone to make me feel attractive when I'm lonely and if that's all, I can stick with my friends and family for that. There is still so much I could have said, most of it words to put him in his place and make him realize just how wrong he is..but none of it would be news to him. I think subconciously he's still so bitter about how I broke up with him and unknowingly projects that into how he treats me.. as if I'm indispensable. Demi Lovato has a lyric in one of her songs, "I will not spell it out for you if you can't see cause you're not worth it" .. that's my situation to a T. I'm not going to spell it out.. how many years of dealing with each other and still, he acts as if I'm a machine with no heart or feelings? I'm not going back. It isn't a matter of what I deserve and what I don't, a way I've put it before, but I'm just done. I don't have anything left of me to give.

I'm sad. I'm really sad but it hurts more to go on the way that we do. I was selfish in thinking we could be friends after it ended between us, a part of me will always regret that, but I can't let that keep me as an attempt to redeem myself. One day I know it'll get better. I just wish that day were today.